The Stupid Trillogy: The Two Idiots
by Enjoying Insanity
Summary: Tenth member 'fic, written when I was new and now stands as a reminder of what I was before and never will be again. Read at your own risk. hands out Bleeprin.
1. An Elf in Denial and the Diddles Dilemma

Chapter One: Elf in Denial and the Diddles Dilemma  
  
To me, there's two kinds of moving. Sometimes peoples will tell you that you're going to live somewhere else. You have no choice, no way to stop the change, no way to make time slow down so you can have the last moment in the place you've always known. That's how I felt when my parent's told me I was moving. But I eventually got over it. There's the other kind of moving. The kind when you actually get a choice.  
  
The kind where you can choose is the hardest a lot of the time. You never seem to think about the weight of your decision till it's over. It's like picking out a candy bar, in a way. Your favorite might be Crunch, but you really want a Hershey all of a sudden. You feel like you should get a Hershey, but get your favorite instead. You wonder what would happen if you'd gotten the Hershey. That's only a small thing though. Where you live is an entirely different thing.  
  
Now, as I trudged along the crest of the fiftieth hill, staring at the Elven figure in front of me, I wondered what would have happened if I'd went home. One thing led to another, and I found myself remembering my family. Without warning, tears started to prick at the edges of my eyes. I pushed them away. I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry...I'm going to cry. Emily, who is walking beside me, looked over as I let out a quiet sniffle.  
  
"Katie Diddles, it's not the end of the world," Emily said.  
  
"A, my name is NOT Katie Diddles, and B, then why does it seem like it?" I asked.  
  
"Sure thing, Katie...Diddles. And it's because you're in shock or something. I think it's normal," she replied.  
  
"Here we go with the double conversations again. Emi Lou. And I don't like shock syndrome."  
  
"The Double Conversations shall live on, Katie Diddles! And who does like it?"  
  
"Stop it, you're making me happy again."  
  
"Isn't that good?" she asked, slightly confused.  
  
"Not really. Aren't you supposed to be sad after these things?"  
  
"Not necessarily. Wouldn't people want us to be happy? Yes they would," she said, answering herself.  
  
"Well I think it is necessary to be sad after things like this."  
  
"Fine, go into denial, see if I care." I didn't reply, but I did stop crying. I suppose she did have a point though. I tried looking on the bright side after that. It sort of helped, but not really. Emily and I ran to catch up with the other three. We skidded to a halt just as Aragorn stopped, bending over to look at something. He reached down and picked a shiny object from the trampled dirt.  
  
"Oooo...it's shiny..." I said suddenly, my wave of homesickness and sadness gone.  
  
"Can you please get a life?" Emily asked with a groan. I shook my head slowly.  
  
"The leaf of Lothlórien would not be left behind lightly," Aragorn commented.  
  
"Merry or Pippin must have left it, hoping we would find it," Legolas added.  
  
"Hurry, they may be a day ahead of us if we don't quicken our pace," Aragorn urged and took off again. Legolas followed, then Emily and me, then Gimli in the rear. I could hear him huffing and puffing the whole time, even though I was sometimes more than ten feet ahead of him.  
  
Unexpectedly, an image of a crouton appeared in my mind. Where did that come from? I have this "addiction" to croutons and now it was coming back, pulsing stronger than ever...Croutons...croutons...croutons...I could almost hear the sky rumble at the sound of those words. Or maybe that was just my stomach.  
  
"Emily, do you think they have croutons in Middle Earth?" I asked her while we ran behind the long legged Elf. She glanced up at me.  
  
"I worry about you. I really do," was her only reply as she sped up. I did too in turn. Legolas dashed ahead to the crest of the hill, gazing off into the distance.  
  
"They are far away..." he said, trailing off disheartedly. Aragorn stepped up behind him, sighing.  
  
"It took you that long to notice?" I asked irritably. My craving for croutons was very strong by now. "Say, do ya'll know what a crouton is?"  
  
"A what?" Gimli asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.  
  
"Never mind..." I replied with a moan. I need croutons! I needed them RIGHT THEN too.  
  
"Aragorn, do you think we'll-" Emily started to say but was cut off by Aragorn's urgent shushing. He pulled us all behind a tall rock, peeking over the side. I heard the sound of hood beats. So, the horse boys have finally come. Maybe I could throw a few rocks at them...Hmmm...  
  
Aragorn's face suddenly looked relieved, and he jumped out as the last of the riders passed us by.  
  
"What news from the North, Riders of Rohan?" he yelled at their retreating backs. Emily winced as his voice echoed slightly. I darted out and stood next to Aragorn.  
  
"Horsies..." I said with a smirk, just to annoy him. He glared as the men on horseback returned, forming a tight circle around the five of us. I glared as one shoved a spear in my face.  
  
"What business does an Elf, a Man, a Dwarf and two girl children have in Riddenmark? Speak quickly!" he added coldly. I couldn't help but notice he said the word 'girl' with scorn as if he thought we didn't belong here. Stupid man. This was the least of my worries though, because suddenly the tip of a spear point was brought up to my face.  
  
"Get-the-sharp-pointy-spear-out-of-my-face," I said through gritted teeth. "Understand?" He glanced at Eomer, who only shook his head. The guy kept that flipping spear in my face despite my efforts.  
  
"Who are you, and what is your business is Rohan? " he asked again.  
  
"We travel from Lothlórien, and are tracking a band of Orc that have taken two of our friends captive," Aragorn replied politely. "I am called Aragorn. My companions are Legolas the Elf, Gimli the Dwarf, and Lady Katie and Lady Emily."  
  
"Except I was an Elf in my last life, I swear. AND FOR THE LAST FLIPPIN TIME, I'M NOT A LADY," I said for the heck of it. Legolas carefully swatted my head. I glared at him, still fending off the spear guy.  
  
"Few have escaped the Lady of the Golden Wood. If you have freed yourselves of her, then you may be sorcerers and net-weavers as well," Eomer said, pausing, voice still cold.  
  
"We are neither of those," Aragorn said firmly. Eomer nodded a little. Suddenly, he looked to Legolas and Gimli.  
  
"Why do neither of you speak? Even your young friends seem particularly outward," he asked.  
  
"I'm not outward," I said in protest. "Wouldn't you get mad if someone jabbed a sharp, pointed objects are shoved in your face?" I looked meaningfully at the horseman who held the spear to my cheek.  
  
"You're outward," Legolas told me softly so only I could hear.  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"NO, I am NOT."  
  
"Fine, have it your way filthy mortal."  
  
"I will, woman," I hissed. Legolas glared at me, then looked at the horsemen, to see if they heard our argument. They didn't, much to my dismay. I love embarrassing that Elf in front of everyone...So much entertainment I smirked to myself.  
  
"I still have heard neither of you say a word on this matter," Eomer said stubbornly.  
  
"Silence is golden as long as I don't have to do it," I said offhandedly. This got me a jab in the side from Emily.  
  
"Give me your name, horse-master," Gimli said, just as mulishly. "And I will give you mine, and more besides that."  
  
"The stranger should declare himself first, but I am Eomer, son of Eomund, Third Marshal of Riddermark," Eomer announced grandly. I could help but think of a peacock when he said it. Don't ask why.  
  
"Then Eomer son of Eomund, Third Marshal of Riddermark, let Gimli the Dwarf Glóin's son warn you against foolish words. You speak of evil of that which is fair beyond the reach of your though, and only little wit can excuse you," Gimli replied icily.  
  
"That was harsh..." Emily said quietly but I privately disagreed. Galadriel is not evil, because she gave me the power to insult Legolas in Elvish. That is a heroic deed. So more power to the ones who diss Galadriel haters! Eomer looked ready to kill, which I assumed was what he dearly wanted to do. The men of the Mark tightened their circle, and the annoying excuse for a human shoved the spear closer to my face. I growled, muttering under my breath.  
  
"I would cut off your head, beard and all, Mast Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher off the ground," Eomer said finally, hard gaze piercing Gimli's squarely. I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw Legolas's eyes narrow.  
  
"He does not stand alone," he said, defensive of the Dwarf. He bent his bow with one quick movement. "You would die before your stroke fell." I couldn't help but crack a grin. Wouldn't it be fun seeing these men turned into pin cushions...Eomer and the other horse-men began to draw weapons, some spears, some swords. The guy dug the tip of his spear into my cheek.  
  
"HEY, I said quit it! Fiend from he...heck" I hissed loudly, catching myself again, and grabbed hold of the spear, shoving it away from me. "I demand you get on your knees and beg for forgiveness or I may just get angry. You do not want to chance might wrath!"  
  
"Forgive my companions, Eomer," Aragorn said quickly. "We are friend with the Lady of the Wood, and some of our number don't take lightly to offensive words." Eomer glared at Gimli and Legolas, but seemed to agree on peace.  
  
"Have you and your men seen any Orc in your country?" Aragorn asked Eomer.  
  
"Yes, we took down a party of them two nights ago. We burned the bodies," Eomer replied.  
  
"Did you see any hobbits? Or Halflings, as they are sometimes called," Gimli asked hurriedly.  
  
"They would look like mere children to you," Aragorn added.  
  
"We saw no children or Halflings," Eomer answered apologetically. "We burned the Orc bodies just up there." He pointed to a thin tendril of black smoke. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. Lord, I swear I smelt it all the way to where I was standing. I heard Legolas's sigh beside me.  
  
"Thank you for your help, Eomer," Aragorn said with a crest-fallen look. "We shall continue to search, and the information you gave us was much help."  
  
"Go and look for your friends," Eomer said carefully. "But do not let your minds fill with hope. Tis forsaken in these lands. I will grant you these three horses of our fallen comrades." He said and a brown, a white, and a gray horse were brought forward. The company filed into a group behind Eomer and they charged slowly off.  
  
"Cheerful lot, aren't they?" I said finally. Legolas raised his eyebrow, then shook his head, leaping onto the white horse. Aragorn did the same to the other. I glanced at the gray and pulled myself onto it, wondering how long it would take till I fell off. Horse camp was seven years ago after all. However, my mind hadn't completely forgotten everything and I gathered the reigns gently into my hands.  
  
Emily and Gimli were left standing on the ground, looking up at us. I nudged my bow into a more comfortable position on my back, looking at Aragorn and Legolas.  
  
"I will not a ride one of those beasts," Gimli declared. "I trust my own two feet more than I trust those."  
  
"Come, Gimli, you may ride behind me," Legolas said with a smirk. Gimli stared uncertainly at the horse, than let the Elf pull him up behind him. Emily glared at me.  
  
"I am not riding with her," she said firmly. "I know that's what you all are thinking, but I'm bound to get two inches of room and get smacked in the face with all the branches." She held her chin stubbornly up and I groaned.  
  
"God, you are an-" I began.  
  
"Emily, get up behind me. Just let us be off NOW," Aragorn said, cutting me off. I glared at Emily but didn't say anything else. Aragorn and Legolas easily nudged their horses into a canter. I tried to do the same, but the horse just locked his legs under me in an obstinate stance. I narrowed my eyes.  
  
"Listen, pal, it's not like I enjoy being on you either," I grumbled. "Can we just GO, please?" The horse tossed its head then surged forward, quickly catching up with the others. This startled me. Woah, can I talk to animals? I thought with a grin. Sure, Katie, are you positive you haven't been reading those fantasy books too much? In the two seconds my mind had wandered, my horse was butting his head into Legolas's. The white turned to grabbed at mine with its teeth and I quickly moved my fingers before I would become to the victim.  
  
Ah, this was the life. Top speed, the wind in your face, bugs in your teeth-wait a minute, bugs in your teeth? I gingerly moved my tongue around then let out a sigh of relief. Thank the Lord, no bugs in your teeth. Where did that come from anyway?  
  
Soon we rose up over one of the numerous hills to look at the burning pile of Orc carcasses. Can we say gross? The putrid smell was unbearable, at least to me. I grabbed the front collar of my shirt and burrowed my nose into it in attempted to escape the smell. Behind me, Emily did the same. I led the horse over to a rock, and slid off his back carefully. Not wanting the little devil to get away, I wrapped the reigns around a low branch and trotted up to the other four, still holding my nose.  
  
Legolas and Gimli and Emily both held similar expressions of disgust. Aragorn looked quietly at the pile of dead Orc, then grimaced. I looked down, only to jerk my head back up as Aragorn let out a shout of rage. Poor guy. Emily gingerly patted his shoulder, looking at me pleadingly. I narrowed my eyes and gave her a look that said, "Don't say a word." I knew she wanted to tell him that Merry and Pippin were still alive, and they were in Fagorn with Treebeard. But there was no way I was going to let her change the events.  
  
Aragorn straitened himself, suddenly staring at the ground. His eyes widened suddenly. He began following a faint track of some kind, sometimes crouching other times walking or running. We followed him curiously, until he stopped at a pile of cut rope. A foot or two away was an Orc blade. Nearby was also a mallorn-leaf, with crumbs of lembas in it and nearby. I bent over and picked up the sword.  
  
"Ooo... this thing looks mighty evil," I said with a smirk. Its handle was carved in a shape of a gruesome head. Aragorn thought for a moment.  
  
"It looks as though someone, an Orc, carried either both Merry and Pippin to this spot-" he pointed to the area where the ropes were. "-and then was probably killed." He gestured to the blood splattered in small amounts over the ground. "They used the fallen Orc's sword to cut themselves free, and decided to eat some lembas here." He pointed to the lembas packet and crumbs.  
  
"Lembas taste like...like..." I struggled for a word. "CARDBOARD!" Legolas glared at me, and then at Emily who started hooting with laughter at his expression. One point of annoyance from Katie.  
  
"Their tracks lead...into the forest," Aragorn concluded.  
  
"Fagorn..." Emily said. "Hey, are there any flutterbys in there? I want to see a flutterby. NOW."  
  
"Well, I want croutons and yet I don't complain," I answered her.  
  
"Yes, tis Fagorn," Aragorn murmured, mostly to himself.  
  
"We established that a while ago," I said to him. Once again I was ignored. Do they ENJOY giving me the silent treatment or something? I decided they were cruel insomniacs from the Netherlands.  
  
"But Celeborn warned us against going into Fagorn," Gimli protested. The trees groaned and Legolas looked up toward them for a moment.  
  
"Gimli, put you ax away," he muttered, and Gimli narrowed his eyes, but did as he was told. The trees stopped moaning.  
  
"That sounded like...like..." Emily said. "CARDBOARD!"  
  
"Cardboard?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Yes, dear Watson, CARDBOARD! An invention of the twentieth century, and it's made out of tr-" I clamped my hand over Emily's mouth. Okay, so I was worried the Elf would go on a murder rampage because we use trees to make paper and junk. It wouldn't do any one any good if he stuck us full of arrows, would it?  
  
"What were you about to say?" Legolas asked suspiciously.  
  
"She was going to say...uh, tr-triangle trees!" I shouted with the new idea. Then I started to frown. Uh oh. Is it just me, or did I just say the 'T' word? Ready...aim...RUN FROM THE DEMON ELF. One point of stupidity for Katie.  
  
"Trees? YOU USE TREES?" he cried. Another for making him mad...  
  
"They're not trees exactly, they're LIKE them though," Emily said hastily. He eyed her testily, but didn't comment on her strange explanation. Let's hope he bought that load of bologna.  
  
"Well, are we going into the forest or not?" Gimli growled, glaring at Emily and I. One point for irritating the midget...  
  
"It seems we must. At least one of the hobbits are in it," Aragorn replied.  
  
"FUN, we get to go to ELMOS WORLD! CROUTONS!" I cried and clapped my hands.  
  
"No, we're going to ransack Barney's fun house and then we'll throw the over happy dinosaur into a big vat of super glue!" Emily said in imitation of my voice.  
  
"You don't want to see Elmo?" "No..."  
  
"Good, because neither do I."  
  
"But you said you did..."  
  
"And you believed me?"  
  
"I'm not answering that," Emily said and we faithfully followed Aragorn. While I was poking Legolas in the back of his head. And while Emily kept kicking dirt on the back of his legs. While doing a lot of other things to get on his nerves.  
  
"WILL YOU GO AWAY?!" he cried finally. Another point. Then he added in a lower voice, "Go pester Gimli. Or Aragorn. Please!" Emily and I exchanged looks, then shook our heads.  
  
"They don't get as mad as you do," she informed him.  
  
"It's either because you're a Prince and you're not used to this kind of torture, or you have a really bad temper," I said reasonably.  
  
"I vote first one," Emily said with a grin.  
  
"Does this look like a voting booth?" I asked then I face lightened. "And guess what, Leggy Diddles, there's another one I just thought of!"  
  
"Another of what? And my name is NOT Leggy Diddles!" Hehe, yes another point.  
  
"Sure thing Leggy Diddles. You also could be mad because you can't use your soap."  
  
"What soap? STOP CALLING ME THAT." And another...  
  
"The soap that you're holding out on! No use trying to hide it, I know you smuggled some out of Lothlórien before we left! Leggy Diddles," I added.  
  
"In Eru's name, I don't have any soap!! And I'm NOT LEGGY DIDDLES!!!" Yet another... "You're having a two sided conversation...You're learning SO well, little grasshopper! Thranduil will be so amazed that his son has turned into a raving lunatic!" Emily said enthusiastically.  
  
"I'M NOT A RAVING LUNATIC!!!!" Legolas shouted. Ah ha, the nut has cracked. The cookie jar is open. The popcorn had popped. The-nevermind. I think that counts for three points...Aragorn turned around and gave him a wry smile. Legolas merely scowled.  
  
"Denial is the last step to Crazy," Emily commented.  
  
"He's in denial?"  
  
"Well, Katie dear, look at the facts. He denies he's a raving lunatic. He denies his true name is Leggy Diddles. And further more, he's practically going mad with irritation. I think we've achieved our goal. The fangirls back home will hate us!" Emily finished with a proud grin. True...very true...rabid fangirls beware...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
YAY! IT'S HERE IT'S HERE IT'S HERE....Sorry...I know I started it off WAY too serious, but I made up for it at the end...right?  
  
I think it would be jolly to drive Leggy to the crazy end...then he'd be just like me!!!  
  
Hey...I already had 11 points! Why am I taking points in the first place? Hmmm...I'll have to ask someone about this...  
  
I know ya'll sent in stuff after the last story so, being the good lil authoress I am, I'll reply...  
  
Katani Petitedra: *gasp* No no no, NEVER go back to the Normal Side, Luke. Sorry...(not). Yes, thy shall be one with thy cheese, if thee shall be one with thee croutons.  
  
O.B.I.M: NO!!! You are not more insane than me!!! Have you ever started to drive a truck toward rush hour traffic at age three? Have you ever knocked yourself out for a simple lollipop? I think not! *starts hyperventilating* I worked hard for my insane randomness! NO ONE SHALL PREVAIL OVER I, KATIE, QUEEN OF RANDOMNESS AND GRAPES! *turns back to normal stupid self while breathing into a paper bag* Excuse me, I had one of those..."moments"  
  
saiyan-girl-cheetah: I admit, I do not watch Inuyasha. I don't go for that stuff, because...well...just because. I don't know, don't sacrifice me to the Lords of the Croutons! *gets on knees and begs* But do tell what the special prayer necklace thingie is. I must keep my Elf under control...ROCK ON GIRL!!! POWER TO THE PURPLE ONES!!!!! *starts chanting "Purple purple purple!" over and over again*  
  
Dy: Yeah, I might too...this world is SO deprived! NO POINTY EARED BEINGS OR CUTE LITTLE PEOPLE WITH BIG FEET!!! *sobs* OH THE AWFULL REALITY OF IT ALL!!!  
  
jaded316: *gasps and clutches her Leggy hair* Never! Only for a million dollars will you get my Elf's hair...bwhahaha, I'm oh so evil. Do...do you see the neon nazis too? *shifty eye thing* _ They come for me at night night time...and they ask me to join the dark side...does that happen to you?  
  
Jakie Firecracker: Never shall I finish the story...Okay, maybe I will. But only for my own satisfaction, not for you people! Lol, jking.  
  
Megz: Oooo...I have...a...twin...sister...*coughs and starts hyperventilating again.* NO! I MUST BE ME BY MYSELF AND ONLY I!!! *starts chanting "me, myself and I. Me, myself, and I" over and over again. (I chant too much, don't you agree?)* Don't preppy girls make you want to GAG?! I hate wearing tight things too...why where them when you can wear nice big things you can breathe in? The Sam thing...he's not that bad, but he gets to me...I dunno why. It's like the Boromir thing. *shrug* I suppose he's a good grasshopper for helping dearest Fro Fro to Mordor but...HE'S MEAN TO MY SMEAGOL!!! *hugs Smeagol* You have powers invested in you? SO DO I! WATCH! Takes super glue and sticks a quarter to her head* See? It sticks! *pulls at it* But it won't come off....We don't really do the phone thing but it's just so...Katie and Emily...*blinks* (I LOVE LEGGY MORE! *hisses* back off!) 


	2. Attack of the Elvish Dictionaries

Chapter Two: Attack of the Elvish Dictionaries  
"Well, dear Elfling, can I kill you or not? You never really did answer me all those months ago."  
  
"I know, and it's amazing you are still alive since then," he replied dryly. "But here is your answer: no. Now be quiet." I glared at Legolas and crossed my arms over my chest, but went silent. We were in Fagorn, and had been for about an hour. The trees were enormous; probably about ten of me. Too bad croutons didn't grow on them...or didn't grow out of the ground...or maybe out of someone's head...hmm...that'd be painful.  
  
"After a long consideration," I started.  
  
"Five minutes worth of it," Emily muttered and pushed a branch of a bush out of her way.  
  
"I've decided that it is physically impossible for me to shut up," I concluded smartly.  
  
"How do you figure that?" Gimli asked gruffly.  
  
"Well, see, my mouth is different. All of your mouths have invisible latches that shut and close automatically after you've talked too much. Mine's broken, and it can never be fixed. Therefore, I cannot shut up."  
  
"That makes...no sense...what so ever," Aragorn said, mostly to himself.  
  
"No worries, King Penguin, you lesser life forms cannot understand my logic of the aliens, so it is not your fault," I said, getting a confused look from Man, Elf, and Dwarf. Emily, however, groaned, slapped me, then started walking again.  
  
"I am NOT your slap bag, Emily," I growled and kicked her.  
  
"I'm not your kick bag either!" she retorted and slapped me again. "If I have to be a kick bag then you have to be a slap bag!" We started to bicker until Aragorn made a loud "sh" sound. Emily looked and him, and his hand trailed to his sword. Legolas, Gimli, and her all drew their weapons. Seconds later they all spun around. I was a minute too late. I turned just as a jet of bright light issued out from an unknown source. I forgot all about the information I'd acquired from the books and the movies of Lord of the Rings and reached for the closest weapon I could find. It happened to be my thick book of Elvish. I shielded my eyes against the glare and brought my book down hard on whatever it was that was trying to blind me. A loud "oof!" brought me satisfaction. I sure showed it was happens when you try to blind Katie.  
  
"DIE YOU BEAST FROM THE UNDERWORLD!!! ON YOUR KNEES!!!! BOW TO ME!!!" I yelled and hit it again. Legolas was grabbing me, pulling me away. "Get off me, stupid Elf, IT TRIED TO BLIND ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!" Legolas only tightened his grip and pulled the book out of my hands with his free arm.  
  
"Gandalf?" Aragorn asked slowly. Did I miss something? I blinked, looked up, and stared at the now white Gandalf. Oops. I guess he introduced himself while I was making him into a living pancake. Katie, now would be the time to slowly run away from the crime scene.  
  
"Yes, I believe that was my name," Gandalf said finally, smiling a little as he straightened. "Yes, I am Gandalf. I have come back to you now at the turn of the tide." I looked up at him.  
  
"Boy am I glad you're not going to kill me," I said. "You didn't have to blind me, Gandy, I really do need my sight thank you very much." Gandalf turned to me, a puzzled expression on his face.  
  
"Who are you? And the other child? Aragorn?" he said and looked at Aragorn expectantly. Emily let out a sigh of exasperation.  
  
"Oh my god! I'm Emily and this is Katie, remember? We came with ya'll!" she cried and his face brightened.  
  
"Oh, you're those two trouble makers!" he said and laughed. I glared at him and grabbed my bag, which had fallen from my grip when I attacked him. Gandalf's old hat fell out and I snatched it up.  
  
"This is not yours, it's mine! ALL MINE!!! BACK OFF!!" I said (even though no one asked) loudly and shoved the hat into my bag while Emily snickered. "Shut up Emily."  
  
"Katie!" Legolas hissed. "Have you no respect? It's Gandalf!"  
  
"Of course I have respect, Elf Boy. I also have the hat. And I'm keeping it," I stated clearly. He snatched the hat away and handed it to Gandalf who started to protest.  
  
"No, no, no, I do not need this anymore," he said kindly and started to give it to me. I didn't want him to GIVE it back...I needed to steal it...Oh how cruel the world is...But I wanted his hat and it paid to see the sour expression on Legolas's face.  
  
"I told you, but nooo, no one ever listens to Katie," I said and jammed it on my head. "Now, what are you waiting for? I command thee to sing the National Anthem!" Emily, the genius she is, started singing right away.  
  
"'Ooooooh say can you see, by the dawns early light!'" she screeched. I clapped my hands over my ears.  
  
"STOP THE TORTURE SESSION!!" I yelled and she shut up, much to my surprise. Then I realized that she and the other four were walking away.  
  
"HEY, you unworthy plum heads!" I raced after them, SOME HOW managing to run into Legolas while I was at it. "WAIT FOR ME!" Legolas glared at me.  
  
"Why is it that you always seem to be right next to me?" he asked irritably.  
  
"I thought I told you already. Because Aragorn only ignores me and I'm scared Gimli will take my head off with his ax if I annoy either of them."  
  
"What makes you think I won't do that?"  
  
"I dunno. Maybe because I know you too well?"  
  
"That's a scary thought," Emily put in. Trust her to ruin everything I try to do. Not that I was try to do anything but explain. But that's doing something, isn't it?  
  
*********  
  
Gandalf led us out of Fagorn in a matter of hours. He stood, silently at first, in the center of a large field, then let out a shrill whistle. At once, a white speck charged toward him. As it grew nearer, I made out the shape of a horse. A white one at that. Hmmm...Shadowfax. And our three horses coming up a little way behind him.  
  
"Shadowfax, chief of the Mearas," Gandalf said proudly, caressing the horse's neck as it halted before him.  
  
"But...but, Mommy, I WANNA RIDE THE PURPLE ELEPHANT!" Emily asked in a baby voice.  
  
"NO, only special people can ride Frederick!" I replied. She glared at me.  
  
"I can ride him if I want to!" she said in a defiant voice. I shook my head and sighed.  
  
"Dear, YOU CANNOT RIDE HIM!"  
  
"I WANNA!"  
  
"You can't!"  
  
"I WANNA LOLLIPOP, I WANNA LOLLIPOP! THUMP!" she said in a mimick of what I would sound like at five years old and grinned. I narrowed my eyes.  
  
"If that's the way you wanna play this game, then so be it," I growled and took a fighters stance. Then I made an imitation of Emily's voice and said, "'ME AND MY THROW UP WILL BE FINE WITHOUT YOU!'"  
  
"Pathetic!' she said. "At least I don't head toward rush hour traffic on PURPOSE and knock my brother-"  
  
"Will you please be silent?! I can't even hear myself think!" Aragorn cried. Emily immediately shut up. I didn't. I didn't do it for Legolas, so why should Aragorn be different?  
  
"Where are we going?" I asked. Legolas and Aragorn were mounting their two horses, and Gandalf and Gimli were on Shadowfax. Emily scrambled up behind Aragorn. I shot my horse a square look and hoisted myself onto his back. He grunt and shifted his feet as I was settling. I scowled, even though he couldn't see my expression.  
  
"To Meduseld, the house of Theoden, King of Rohan," Gandalf replied and once again, I found myself being tossed around by the gray horse under me. How DID I get stuck with him anyway?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yes, another chapter. *claps* SO SPECIAL AM I!  
  
saiyan-girl-cheetah: *is decked out in all purple* PURPLE! PRUPLE! PUPLE! PURLE! Etc etc etc. Ooo...I like the sound of the prayer necklace...HERE LEGGY!!! HERE BOY!!!  
  
Legolas: *glares and crosses arms over chest*  
  
Katie: We know you look cute when you're mad, BUT WE MUST TRY THIS! *shoves a prayer necklace over his head.* NOW, beg!  
  
Legolas: *begs like a dog* Sick minded child!  
  
Katie: Ooo...I like this. But we mustn't be harsh on Leggy. *hugs him and puts the prayer necklace away for safe keeping*  
  
Dy: *bows at her feet* Oh mighty master...Katie ish sorry she didn't put up soon...*cries momentarily.* Onto happier things! The hobbitses don't come in till...*gasps in sudden realization* RoTK! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Niffers: *wipes tears away* Yes, it IS so priceless. The addiction to shiny things is weird though. It's only there sometimes for me...I just suddenly look at, say, a wind chime, and I'm there staring at it in a dazed trance for two minutes...strange... 


	3. Rohan Horses and Mud Baths

Disclaimer: Should I even bother? Yes, I believe I shall, even though it's such a stupid question. I own nothing of Tolkien's, and if you are a true Tolkien fan you should be able to know what's mine and what's his. That is, unless you're an evil person impersonating a Tolkien fan but only have watched the movies because you think one of the actors is hot! *gasps for breathe but is dragged away by Emily.* That's all folks.  
Chapter Three: Rohan Horses and Mud Baths  
"Nice house. Kinda on the Olde Ye England side, but what can you expect from a Lord of the Rings scenery?" I said in approval as we neared Edoras. Meduseld was set on the top of the flat hill, while the city sprawled around it.  
  
"You're impossible," Emily muttered and rolled her eyes. She was in a bad mood, because her ride wasn't very comfortable (I can only imagine was it was like riding on a horse's rear).  
  
"I'm impossible? How so? I can impossibly stupid, impossibly intelligent, impossibly weird, impossibly-"  
  
"You are all of the above besides the second one," she said. Why did people always insult me? Is it in their job descriptions or something? Ho hum.  
  
We finally reached the gates, and with a bit of persuasion, they let us through. I could feel people staring at me. And Emily for that matter. Lord, haven't they ever seen a girl before? I felt, however, that since a large quantity of guards were with us, the need to keep my mouth shut. We came to the tall doorway into the house of Theoden, and a soldier (or guard, whatever flips your switch).  
  
"I, Gandalf, have returned, with Shadowfax, the horse that no other man can tame," Gandalf stated grandly. Talk about a drama queen-wizard. Whatever. "With me is Aragorn son of Arathorn, and Legolas the Elf and Gimli the Dwarf and Lady Katie and Emily, our comrades. Tell your king that we wish speech with him!"  
  
"What's with that Lady this and Lady that?" I grumbled. "If you have to put Lady in my name you mine as well mean lady knight." Emily jabbed me in the ribs. I jabbed her back. And so began an exchanged of pokes and jabs throughout the whole conversation. One guard went through the doors to speak with Theoden. Twenty minutes later he came back.  
  
"It is by command of Grima Wormtongue, counselor of Theoden King, that you leave all of your weapons here," he said firmly. I narrowed my eyes, but handed over my bow. I still had the dictionary after all...I bet Galadriel never knew that it would come in so handy...  
  
Emily, Gimli, and Legolas all gave the men their weapons, all with similar warnings of painful deaths if they did anything to them. Aragorn was a bit stubborn, but eventually forked over the sword. Mule headed demon.  
  
"Milady, your bag?" one of them asked, pointing to my bag. I placed a hand over it defensively. "Back off, noodle head, it's mine!" I growled.  
  
"Katie, just give it to them," Legolas hissed in my ear. With a haughty look I unloaded everything from it: walkman, dictionary, hat, stale chips, book from trapper...I shoved them all into various pockets. Thank God for stretchable Elvish material. I handed the man the bag.  
  
"There, you have the bag," I said and he looked at it, then at the man who went to speak to Theoden. He gave the one holding my bag a shake of the head and turned to Gandalf. Ha! We have infiltrated enemy camp with the dictionary weapon undetected...  
  
"Now, please, your staff?" It wasn't really a question.  
  
"Oh," Gandalf said, making himself sound like an old fogy he is. Hey, it's true. "You wouldn't deprive an old man from his walking stick, would you?" The men sighed and then the one who spoke with the king led us through (I now assumed he was Hama). Legolas let Gandalf lean on his arm, as any regular old person might need to. Emily started humming the tune to "Lean on Me (When You're Not Strong)." I bit my lip to keep from snickering.  
  
The room we entered was smoky and dim. I waved my hand in front of my face, but it didn't do any good. At the front say a weathered old man draped in many furs and cloths, sitting in a carved wooden throne. A pale man, who I instantly knew to be Wormtongue, stood next to Theoden.  
  
"I didn't know they enjoyed seeing their guest second hand smoke in Rohan," I muttered to Emily.  
  
"Neither did I," she replied. Gandalf ambled forward ahead of us.  
  
"The courtesy in your halls seems to have lessened of late, Theoden King," he commented. I could have sworn I heard anger...hmmm...  
  
"I greet you," Theoden replied in a gravely tone. "However you shall find no welcome here. Troubles and woes follow you like fog, Master Gandalf. All you have brought to me in the past has been evil and awful news. I ask you, Gandalf Stormcrow, why should I welcome you?"  
  
"Justly spoken, my lord," Wormtongue said. He started to speak again but Gandalf stopped him. "Grima Wormtongue!" he said loudly. "Tell me, how long ago did Saruman buy you?" He raised his staff and Wormtongue cringed.  
  
"I thought I told you to take his staff!" he yelled. Several guards moved forward toward Gandalf. Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas immediately moved forward and began three minor brawls each.  
  
"Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," Emily said and darted off to help Aragorn. I sighed, then launched myself onto the back of a man who was about to go after either Legolas or Gimli. I circled one arm around his neck, and my legs around his stomach. Then, with my free hand, I slapped his rear as hard as I could.  
  
"TALLY HO, SILVER!" I hollered and kicked him. Some Rohan horse, he didn't even more forward! He groaned and struggled to pulled me off. I have a grip of iron, and it did him no good. He backed up against a pillar and slammed me against it.  
  
"Oof," I let out and fell off his back. I started looking around for help. No use. They were all occupied with their own problems. Gandalf was shouting something, his staff raised toward Theoden. I did the only thing I could.  
  
WHAP!  
  
Good old dictionary. I had pulled it out and banged it as hard as I could against his head. He crumpled under me, moaning. I untangled myself from him and turned around to hit someone else. This was fun.  
  
I battered another guy to the ground with my book before someone came rushing out of the hall. A woman. Eowyn. At once, I began imagining a cat fight between Arwen Eowyn and...Emily. Oookay. Strange images you get, Katie. I looked over to Theoden to see his sitting up. He looked younger. Wonderful, one less grumpy old man on the face of the earth! The woman knelt by the king and started weeping, holding his hand.  
  
"I remember you..." Theoden said. "Eowyn...Sister daughter!" Eowyn smiled and nodded, still crying. One, two, three...awww...  
  
Everything started happening in fast motion. Theoden stood with Eowyn, and at once began speaking with Gandalf and Aragorn. Sure, they get all the fame. If it wasn't for me, they'd all be a mopey, grumpy, boring group who hated their lives. I never get credit for ANYTHING I do...  
  
**********  
  
Wormtongue was moments later chased outside by Theoden (They didn't talk THAT long, gosh). Someone had given him his sword, and he was about to strike Wormtongue, but Aragorn stopped him.  
  
"Enough blood has already been spilled on his account," he murmured, looking Theoden in the eye. Theoden lowered his sword and narrowed his eyes at Wormtongue.  
  
"Leave, Wormtongue, and never return to my halls again," Theoden said harshly. "Take a horse if you need, but do not cause harm!" Wormtongue spat at Theoden's feet and charged off. "Grump!" I called after him. Legolas sighed.  
  
"I have to wonder if you will EVER grow up," he said in mock sadness. I looked downward for no particular reason, my eye connecting with a large mud puddle. Oh the possibilities...  
  
I couldn't help myself. The chance was too good to pass up. With a last glance to see if anyone was looking, I inconspicuously shoved the Elf. Right for the puddle. Emily's mouth opened in surprise. Similar reactions came from Aragorn and Theoden. Legolas stumbled in a very unelvish manner and fell backward into the puddle. How did I accomplish this? Elves are graceful and immune to clumsiness. Your guess is as good as mine. This could take an investigation...  
  
My "investigation" consisted of walking down the steps and leaning over Legolas with a face of concern.  
  
"Did the Elf fall in?" I asked.  
  
"You...you..." he started to mutter to himself.  
  
"That's what I thought. Still hasn't learned his lesson," I said with a sigh, not bothering to listen to anything else he said. I sat down next to him (yes in the mud. It is my belief that if you don't get dirty, then you've never fully passed childhood, therefore getting dirty as much as possible is the best thing in the world) and grabbed a hand full of mud. Can you guess what I did with it? I smeared it in his hair and leaned back to study his sour face.  
  
"MY MASTERPIECE IT DONE!" I called up to the watchers on the steps. To Legolas, I said, "Now that I've embarrassed you in the cruelest way possible and probably look just as idiotic as you do, I would really like to ask you something."  
  
"What's that?" Legolas asked, wiping muck off his cheek with a disgusted look.  
  
"Can you please not kill me? Don't be mad...Getting dirty makes you feel young..."  
  
"I shall have to think on that," he said. Suddenly I found myself laying on my back in the mud. Staring up at the sky. Big sky...Big blue sky...BIG BIRD! Excuse me. Yes, well, I was staring at the sky and then Legolas said, "No, I don't think I will actually, revenge is sweeter," and got up. He borrowed a cloak from Aragorn, who was trying "very" hard not to conceal his laughter. I sat up.  
  
"THAT WAS FOR HANGING ME UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE TREE! Just wait, I'll tell everyone how much you acted like a child! I swear I will!" My threats were ignored. Soon, only Emily was left watching me. I patted the mud beside me for a minute, then glared up at her.  
  
"What do you want? Can't you just leave me to make mud pies by myself? It's not nice to watch people making mud pies! It's a delicate art that needs the utmost concentration," I informed her. She frowned, sighed, shook her head.  
  
"Katie, Katie, Katie, what will I do with you? I hope you know that that looked very much Mary Sue," she said. My mouth dropped open. I'll be dead before I be a Mary Sue...OH THE AWFUL HORROR! I have an always will hate Mary Sues. I despise them with the deepest loathing...and no, it's not because I used to firmly believe Legolas was mine (like a pet or something, but not exactly).  
  
"How so?"  
  
"You were too happy," was the answer.  
  
"Shouldn't I be happy I got revenge on that thing that is seemingly called an Elf?" I inquired. Emily opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted with a fit of giggling. I looked around for the source suspiciously. Oh. Of course. Eowyn.  
  
I looked at the blond haired woman with narrowed eyes. Her blue eyes were filled with mirth and amusement. She looked at me, then Emily, then her giggles turned into laughter. As much as I hated to admit it, it sounded kind of nice. Not that I'm going soft or anything, but you get my meaning.  
  
"And WHAT is so vastly amusing?" Emily asked crossly. Eowyn quieted herself, though she still smiled.  
  
"You are both quite entertaining. Not meaning any offense," she added hastily seeing Emily's furious look.  
  
"None taken," I said lightly. "It gives us great pleasure knowing we have a purpose in life other than causing each other and the people around us eternal misery." Eowyn giggled again. I stood up slowly, attempting to brush off as much mud as possible. But did it help any? Nooo. Eowyn, who now stood by Emily, beckoned me over.  
  
"Come, you look slightly dirty," Eowyn said playfully and I obeyed, trudging up the steps.  
  
"Well, Katie, what do you have to say for yourself, you Mary Sue, you?" Emily taunted.  
  
"First off," I began, raising my head indignantly. "I blame the Elf for everything. It's all his fault I had to help him get dirty. And second, I am not one of those God forsaken Mary Sues!!!"  
  
"Just keep telling yourself that, Katie," Emily said knowingly. I reached around Eowyn to slap her head.  
  
"Cheese head."  
  
"Neon Nazi."  
  
"Carrot Worshipper."  
  
"Toe nail brain!"  
  
"SPONGE SNIFFER!"  
  
"SUGAR ADDICT!"  
  
"And proud of it."  
  
"Katie, sugar is really bad for you in large amounts."  
  
"You really believe those old wives tales the doctors tell you about sugar? Here's the real story. Sugar is really the healthiest thing you could eat. But the doctors and parents and people like that, they want it all for themselves, so they tell us not to eat it. Then they have the sugar. I have such wonderful logic."  
  
"It makes no sense..."  
  
"That, Wally dear, is why it's called Katie Logic." I feel the famous line coming...  
  
"I'm hanging up now."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, I had fun doing that...And yes, I would very much like to push Leggy into a mud pile. ^_^ Dirt makes you feel young again, as long as there's no bugs crawling in it. Okay, I admit, I put in the mud part partially because we just planted a rose garden and that took...fifteen bags of 48 pound dirt. It felt really good though...Soft silky dirt...*coughs and looks up* I know, I'm weird, you'll have to excuse me.  
  
I really feel the need to share this with you. Did you know that racing paper scraps is really fun? Me and Emily did this today. If it rains, you can go outside and you know how the rain water makes a little stream or whatever on the side of the curb? If you're on a hill, it moves pretty fast, and if you put scraps of paper in there and race them it's really fun. *grins like the idiot she is.* I know, I know, "Katie, you have the brains of a ball point pen." Just remember to wear shoes. I went outside with bare feet (No jacket either! Just a towel over my shirt...FUN!) and ran on the street and my feet got REALLLY numb and it hurt when I ran on the concrete. Yeah. Well. I'll stop rambling now.  
  
Dy: *cries* I know! NO HOBBITESES!!! And the worst part is...NO GOLLUM/SMEAGOL!!! My poor baby...trapped in the clutches of evil Sam! *cries* That demon hobbit calls him stinker and slinker and other awful names. HE SHOULD BE EXECUTED! *coughs* Just kidding. He saves the ring and Fro Fro...so...I guess he can live.  
  
Bjam: *claps* SUCH A FAST LEARNER YOU ARE! Okay...calming down...NOT! *laughs insanely for a moment then abruptly stops.* I'm NOT insane. *realized no one asked and looks down at her feet.* PURPLE ROOLZ! Uh oh....I....misspelled! *gasp* Oh well. I think I like the hobbiteses were Tolkien made them...They are happyful where they are. ^_^ 


	4. Eowyn Learns the No Dress Rule and Tales...

Chapter Four: Eowyn Learns the No Dress Rule and Tales of Crack and Lighters  
"NO! NYET! NADA! NEVER! NO WAY! NO! NO! NO!" I cried and jumped away from the awful article of clothing Eowyn was holding out. A dress. Cursed thing. Emily rolled her eyes at me from her position in the doorway.  
  
"Good Lord, Katie, it's not like it's got a fatal disease on it, like anthrax or something," she said. I lifted my head up.  
  
"How do YOU know?"  
  
"Well, I'm 99.9% sure that they don't have anthrax in Rohan, or Middle Earth either," she replied. No, they would not get me in the dress. I'd be dead before I get in the dress.  
  
******************  
  
"I honestly wished you would have worn it," Eowyn declared. I shrugged and slid into a seat next to Legolas.  
  
"I am honestly glad I didn't," I replied and reached for a piece of bread.  
  
"I honestly don't care what she wears as long as she wears something," Emily put in.  
  
"And I honestly wish I was zappified here alone."  
  
"And I honestly think you'd miss me."  
  
"And I honestly think that you're on crack."  
  
"And I honestly think," Legolas interrupted. "That I might gag you both and hang you from a tree again."  
  
"Not if I run away..."  
  
"I can run faster than you ever could."  
  
"Then fine, I'll run then hide."  
  
"I can figure out where you hid."  
  
"You can't do anything to me if I hide behind Aragorn," I shot back. Aragorn glanced up.  
  
"What makes you so sure of that?" he asked wryly. Eowyn hid a smile behind her hand and went off to take care of the two children sitting at the other side of the room.  
  
Wait a minute. Children? WHERE'D THEY COME FROM? Great. Now I won't get as much attention...Just kidding. Most of the meal was eaten in silence, save from Gandalf, Aragorn, and Theoden. Once in a while Emily added in her two bits. Like they'd listen to a high girl. "Katie, I feel..." Emily trailed off.  
  
"Ignored? Neglected? Forgotten? Disregarded? Overlooked? Omitted?" I offered helpfully. She nodded.  
  
"Thy shall mourn thee's passing to thy afterlife, and if thou shalt not pass, thou shall cometh to thy cracker tin circus," I said solemnly.  
  
"Do you even know what you just said?"  
  
"I think I said, 'I will mourn your passing to the afterlife, and if you cannot pass, you can come to the cracker tin circus.'"  
  
"What is THAT supposed to mean?"  
  
"I dunno."  
  
"You shoulder say things that you don't understand."  
  
"But it keeps the readers entertained!"  
  
"What readers?"  
  
"The ones...who are not...reading..."  
  
"And you tell me to make sense," she said accusingly.  
  
"I make sense!"  
  
"Yes, Katie Sense. It makes perfect sense to YOU."  
  
"Emily, do you realize that slowly our voices might have raised to a loud level and that everyone in the hall might be staring at us? Do you think that's a possibility?" I said. And yes, the world was staring at us again. What else is new?  
  
"Nah, they're just looking off into space," she reasoned and we silently went back to eating. Talking started up again. We didn't keep quiet for long though. Soon we launched into a heated debate about what crouton tasted the best. Legolas, from his seat next to me, kept giving me hints to shut up. Of course I ignored him. He DID after all back-fire my plan on me. I was having fun making him into a mud monster, and then KABOOM. I'm laying down in the dirt. Not that I mind getting dirty...  
  
************  
  
"Open war is upon you, whether you risk it or not," Aragorn said through gritted teeth to Theoden.  
  
"WEEEEE!!! OPEN WAR OPEN WAR, what does open war mean?" I started to say in a sing song voice. Legolas moaned softly, and clamped a hand over my mouth at the same time Emily did.  
  
"Mshmatie mwants moo mwalk!" I tried to pronounce the words, but failed, since their hands were covering my mouth. Bah hum bug. This world is just as unjust as the last one.  
  
"I'm going to go dispose of this," Emily hissed to Aragorn and Legolas and then dragged me outside. She finally uncovered my mouth and glared.  
  
"I would have been a good girl!" I said indignantly.  
  
"You've said that five times in the past hour. I think the mental patient needs a bit of air to clear her head," Emily said wryly.  
  
"FINE, I'll sit here for an hour, then it's back to the nice little horse hall," I said grumpily, and sat down on the wall. My legs swung against the side, thumping against the bricks every so often. For an hour we sat there, making up random sentences, sometimes actually holding normal conversation, however rare they were. Finally, I decided that I was bored with the randomness and started to get up. At the same moment who happens to show up?  
  
Yep, you guessed it. ELVIS PRESLEY IS BACK FROM THE DEAD!!! Not really, but we can all pretend if we want. Really, it's Elf Boy. Why am I not surprised?  
  
"So, Pointy Eared One, what is the news from the Great Hall of Decision Of Which Katie is Exiled From?" I asked him (even though I know the answer). He peered cautiously over the edge of the wall, eyeing me suspiciously. "What?"  
  
"I was just checking for mud puddles," he said airily and sat down. "We're going to Helm's Deep tomorrow. It will be easier to defend than Edoras."  
  
"I see. Not really, but you really don't care, do you?"  
  
"I sure don't," Emily assures me. Moron Emily.  
  
"I have to agree to that." Moron Legolas.  
  
"Well I hope you all have a nice time in Bermuda, because I'm staying in this nice corner of the world known as Siberia, thank you very much!" Moron Me.  
  
************************  
  
"PRAISE THE LORD OF THE CROUTONS!" I yelled, mostly to amuse myself, but tried to look like I was cheering the Rohan men on.  
  
"ELMO LOVES YOU ALL!" Emily chimed.  
  
"BUT BIGBIRD LOVES YOU MORE!" Me.  
  
"FEAR NOT THE WRATH OF THE SATAN WORSHIPPER, SAURON, FOR PURPLE MILK ALWAYS FOLLOWS THE DARKNESS!" Emily.  
  
"YOU SHALL NOT WEAKEN MY EORLINGS! HEARKEN TO MY WILL AND BOW AT THE FEET OF THE SCAPEGOAT SHRINE!!" Me.  
  
"REMEMBER BILL CLINTON!" Emily.  
  
"OR RATHER DON'T!!!" Me.  
  
"AMEN TO THAT MA BROTHER!!!" Emily.  
  
"Emily, I am not your brother..." Obviously me.  
  
"Please cease your screaming." Obviously Legolas.  
  
"AMEN TO THAT MA SISTA!" Yes, Emily.  
  
"He's a she...No, hold it, she's a he...Wait a minute..." I slapped myself.  
  
"TEE HEE! YOU DISSED ELF BOY!!! OR SHOULD I SAY ELF GIRL!!!"  
  
"Oh yeah? Well you're just jealous the voices only talk to ME!" I shot back and surged my horse forward. Yes, I was still stuck with the stubborn gray.  
  
"Voices?" I heard Legolas mutter as he and Emily followed me. I looked around at the motley group of the Edoras citizens. Lovely people, with their grim faces and blank stares. This crowd could use a random person like myself.  
  
"I do believe, Emily my dear, these people need Shakespeare," I commented. He looked t me in bewilderment.  
  
"Since when can you recite Shakespeare? You have only a brain cell count of one and a half!" she cried. I glared at the surrounding people who stared at me.  
  
"Watch me," I said and raised my voice. "Hear me young gasshoppers-"  
  
"You said gasshoppers," Emily said.  
  
"For I am a prophet from the ancient land of MIGOEM! AH! YES! The lovely Migoem! Rich in fuzzets, and happily married with the cows!" By that time Emily was snorting, trying extremely hard not to laugh.  
  
"And now I shall tell you of my tale, from the great land of Migoem, up until this time, where I come to Rohan!" The name Rohan sent out a feeble cheer from them. "Now, ma brothers and sisters of the Brother and Sisterhood of the Dancing Flutterbys, I will tell you the story. I was born a poor little Mig girl, living on a purple and green farm out in the suburbs of the city of...er...PEEMONT!"  
  
"What a pleasant name," Emily muttered then said in a slightly louder voice, "I do not know this mental!"  
  
"So, I lived in the town of Peemont, Migoem. It was a sad town, filled with cheerful colors of pink and lime yellow-"  
  
"-No such thing as lime yellow." Well thank you know it all Emily.  
  
"And I decided that Emily should interrupt me any more. So. Anyhoo, I was running along in my trousers one day, and decided that the world was completely and utterly deprived of cigarette lighters. I made them out of bamboo sticks, and sold them each for a million dollars, along with crack to smoke, because if you want to smoke you need something TO smoke. Getting off track..." Several people were grinning at my sense of random humor. Good, they needed to be happy.  
  
"Then, suddenly, a great hideous...GRAY AND CARROT FILLED SOCK MONSTER demanded I sell him a hundred lighters and ten thousand pounds of crack by the next day. I frantically worked and worked all night, but realized I'd never meet his demands. So, I packed up my tin can full of boot laces, and set off to find the legendary land of Middle Earth. I finally came across it, an annoying Elf, a Dwarf who hates me, a Man who always wishes I would shut up, and lastly...an idiot child that is my best friend. And so ends my life story as of today."  
  
Emily was laughing at my stupid humor. Few of the Rohan people got my story (which wasn't the point anyway) but several smiled and a few let out a chuckle or two. FINALLY these stiff necks laughed. Even the Elf was snickering (not that he knew was a lighter or crack or Migoem was).  
  
"That was far from Shakespeare. And where in God's name did you come up with...Peemont?" Emily asked.  
  
"I was making it up as I went along for cripe sake. I took the 'F' off of Fremont and replaced it with a 'P' which spelled 'Pemont' which reminded me of pee and thus the name 'Peemont' was born," I explained.  
  
"If I dare ask, what is...pee?" Legolas asked, cringing. It's like those times when you didn't want to know something, but curiosity got the better of you.  
  
"Um...urine." Thank you for putting it so bluntly, Emily. He shook his head. I grinned like the idiot I was and looked at the marching line of men and women.  
  
"WELL, where's my applause?" I wanted to know.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, there you have it folks. PLEASE DON'T THROW JELLY FISH AT ME!!!  
  
I would also like to introduce the voices in my head for no apparent reason. I have Henry, who looks like those really uber cool bean bag jelly fish thingies. And then there's Bob, who is also nice, but since he IS the Balrog, he's a little...evil...*cackles.* Lastly, I give you...FLUFFY! And evil...er...ball point pen. He's really cute, but extremely evil...caution...  
  
Okies, sry for that random comment...  
  
Jackie Firecracker: AMEN TO THE TWARTING AND DENYING!! ON WITH THE RANDOMNESS!  
  
Dy: lol, I loved that part too. I think it's reeeeeeeeeally stupid and childish and blah blah blah BUT IT'D BE SO FLIPPIN FUN TO PUSH LEGGY IN A MUD PUDDLE! *evil yet somehow innocent grin*  
  
Bjam: YAY, aren't you special? I cursed you with the mud! *cackles* We were planting this rose garden deal and the dirt felt so soft...and soft...and soft...*gloats over a bag of top soil*  
  
Devil's lil imp: YAY!! YOU IS BACKS! *coughs and regains composure* Wes was wondering what happened to youses... 


	5. Disobeying the Pointed Eared One

Chapter Five: Disobeying the Pointed Eared One  
Bang. Ouch. Crash. Owies. BOOM! There goes that vase...OW YOU FUDGEY MONKEY TURD!  
  
Those are the sounds of Emily and I running through the halls of Helm's Deep. Out feet made slapping sounds of the stone floors as we dodged everyone, yelling at the tops of our lungs. Suddenly, I ran smack into someone.  
  
"Watch where you're going you over grown strawberry kiwi fruit juice-Oh, sorry," I smiled sweetly at the Kind of Rohan, who briefly smiled back before hurrying on.  
  
"That was REAL smart, Bart," Emily said sarcastically.  
  
"Oh go shove it..."  
  
"Shove what? And shove it where?"  
  
"Shove your head up your butt and leave the world in peace."  
  
"That is NOT nice! I'M TELLING ON YOUUUU!!!!!" she wailed and took off running again. I darted after her. And then suddenly I was lying flat on my back. Second time since my stay in Rohan.  
  
"YOU BIG EVIL TURKEY SLICE! I WAS RUNNING MERRILY DOWN THE HALLS, BUT NOOOO, YOU-Oh sorry," I said and looked at Eowyn, then at Emily, then at Eowyn again. "Yeah, well, um, I was...practicing insulting Sauron. Yeah." Emily snickered.  
  
"Of COURSE you were," she said dryly.  
  
"It's quite alright," Eowyn said with a smile. "Aragorn wants you both in the armory."  
  
"Okies, thankies, have a nice dayies," Emily said. She started walking away and then I scratched my head, and realized I didn't know where the armory was.  
  
"HEY, Eowyn? Where's the armory?" She laughed. Glad she finds it so funny. She lead us through a maze of corridors till she came to a large door. With a push, it opened to reveal a long room, filled with weapons and armor. Well, then again, it IS an armory, therefore it should have those things, shouldn't it? I would have preferred having it filled with croutons, but I never get a choice.  
  
"Are you going to tell us ANYTHING or not? I think leaving us in the dark is very evil. Would any of you happen to be Satan-slash-Sauron worshippers?" Emily said in a rush as we stood in front of Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli. Aragorn looked at the two on either side of them.  
  
"You already know we are going to war," he said slowly.  
  
"Of course. We aren't LOTR fanatics for nothing," Emily replied.  
  
"An army of ten thousand Orcs are marching toward us even as we speak. The men need to get ready to leave, and we need you to go with the women and children-"  
  
"OH MY LORD, we didn't come all this way to be shoved aside into one of those stupid caves!" I cried. "I DEMAND A LAWYER!"  
  
"I agree, we have our rights you know, we're Americans! I-I have a school ID and I'm not afraid to use it!" Emily put in turn.  
  
"If either of you are killed you know that we would never be able to forgive ourselves," Gimli stated firmly.  
  
"Soooo? At least I'll get to be USEFUL." I scowled at Legolas, looking for support. He met my gaze squarely.  
  
"I refuse to let your fight. As much as I hate to admit it, you have become like a younger sibling to me, and I will not let your hurt yourself," he said stubbornly. I stared back defiantly.  
  
"I SWEAR I WILL NOT BE A FREAKIN' MARY-SUE LADY!!! And you know what? You're as annoying as a sibling, ya little booger!" I screeched and stormed out of the hall. Ding bats. I will defeat the Ping-Pong balls of doom!  
(A few hours later, about the time the battle is soon to start)  
Hm...lotsa Orcs. Yes, I have infiltrated enemy territory. I have successfully opened the safe. I have deadified the Neon Nazis. In English, that would mean I am...IN THE BATTLE! No, Legolas hasn't found out. No, Aragorn hasn't either. Or Gimli. Or even Emily. Little sucker got stuck with Eowyn and the cheese poofs in the vault under the Deep. HEHE!  
  
They fell for the oldest trick in the book actually. I dressed up as a guy and voila! I am in the battle. I'm such a smart cookie. Or maybe they're all just dumb cookies. I dunno.  
  
I took down my bow carefully, and notched and arrow into it. Here comes the calvary.  
  
A while later...  
  
Someone launched an arrow at the Orc Army. Aragorn yelled something in Elvish moments later. I didn't take the time to try to translate it. I eventually stopped listening to his shouting and studied the army of blackness that was halting in front of Helm's Deep. Why ten thousand? Why not...ten? Okay fine, maybe one hundred. That'd be nice.  
  
Suddenly everyone started launching arrows at the Orcs. I guess that means I should too. I shot one at the black blob on the ground. I couldn't tell if it hit something or not. Figures. I sent five more down before I noticed it.  
  
An arrow whizzing toward me. HIT THE GROUND! So I did. Or rather hit an Elf. And guess who that Elf was?  
  
"CRAP!!!!!" I yelled and straightened. Oh Lord. Yes, it was Legolas. He stared at me and yanked my helmet off. I conveniently grabbed one so no one would notice my hair. Well, it doesn't work if SOMEONE takes it off.  
  
"KATIE!" Legolas cried. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!" The Elf looked extremely mad. Uh oh. Let's hope he doesn't pull his knives on me or something.  
  
"Uh...shooting the bad guys?"  
  
"You're supposed to be with the women and children!"  
  
"Well, all they wanted to do was play go-fish and tag and knit mourning gowns so I decided to join the Purple Side of the Fish Lords," I replied dryly. "I told you I'd find a way to get here! BWHAHA!" I started choking and calmed down.  
  
"Get back with them RIGHT NOW," he said sternly. I opened my mouth to reply but instead pointed behind him where an Orc was about to throw himself on the Elf. Legolas whipped around and twirled his knives. The Orc was dead in seconds.  
  
"Cool. Can I try?"  
  
"No, because you won't need them where you're going."  
  
"Of course I will! I can't kill evil dudes with only my hands, nit wit!"  
  
"You're going back with-"  
  
"Only if you go too."  
  
"I will certainly not!" he exploded.  
  
"Then I guess I'm not either! Cheers!" I cried and darted into the throng of Men, Elves, and Orcs. I decided to try sticking an arrow through an Orc's head like I'd seen the Elf do. Bad idea.  
  
"TAKE THAT YOU LITTLE NUTTER BUTTER!" I screeched as a war cry and jabbed and Orc with my arrow as hard as I could. It reflected, you could say, and broke in my hands. Uh oh. The Orc laughed grotesquely and lifted his sword. Then he fell over, dead. I looked behind me to find Legolas lowering his bow.  
  
"What would you do without me?" he asked.  
  
"Live happily with my insanity," I said. He tried to grab my arm, most likely to pull me back with the sissy wusses but I, Bartholomew, escaped from the demon. BUT, in the process, I happened to trip over some dead person.  
  
The worst was I didn't just fall over and be able to get right back up like any normal person. I, sadly, am not normal. So, naturally, I ABSOLUTELY HAD to fall over the edge of the wall. Right onto an Orc. Could this get any worse? Maybe. The Orc, having been either knocked out or killed from me falling on it, crumpled over me. Wonderful, I always wanted a smelling dead Orc carcass on me.  
  
"Crap..." I muttered and struggled under the heavy body. God this guy needed to go on Jenny Craig diet or something. So Katie is stuck under this dumb Orc.  
  
*****  
  
"2 bottles of beer on the wall, 2 bottles of beer! Knock one down, pass it around, 1 bottle of beer on the wall!" I ended. I'd gone all the way to 99 to 1 and I was STILL under the flippin Orc. Time to try again, Katie my friend! I wiggled half way out, then collapsed, panting. The army had long since fled, thanks to the appearance of Gandalf and the Riders of Rohan. GET ME OUT! I pulled in a long gust of air.  
  
"GET-ME-OUT-OF-HERE!!!!!!!!!!!" I screeched. I twisted and squirmed out from under the dead body with a grunt. FREEDOM TO THE PEOPLE AT LAST! I did a short victory dance before jogging up to the wood gate. Hm. No use knocking it down. I pounded it with my fist.  
  
"LET ME IN YOU POLKA DOTTED BABOON MEN!!"  
  
"THIS IS A GERMAN MERCENARY! I AM ARMED AND AFRAID! I mean..."  
  
"Open sesame? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, OPEN!!!!" I yelled. I was surprised to find it worked. They creaked open and at least ten hands pulled me in. I was missed! I'm so appreciated! They sat me down in a chair and ordered me not to move. Someone told me "Prince Legolas" and "Lady Emily" and "Lord Aragorn" wanted to talk to me.  
  
"If they get titles, I get titles. I will now be known as...Queen Bartholomew, Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloons!" I told the man grandly. He looked awfully familiar...Hey...wait...this guy is Eomer! "And hey, aren't you Eomer?" He nodded. "Good ta see ya my homie!" I sprang up and hugged him for no good reason. I gave him the peace sign and sat back down. "So, ma brother, whassup in the happenin' place? Anythin' new, dawg?" He raised an eyebrow. I looked expectantly at him. At that moment someone grabbed my from behind and pulled me out of the chair and spun me around. I looked up at a very angry Elf.  
  
"What were you thinking?" Legolas hissed.  
  
"Well, I was thinking about forming a conga line, but since you have decided to punish me..." I shrugged innocently. Emily stepped up to me.  
  
"Answer the question, Bart," she said warningly.  
  
"BACK UP OFF, CHIGGA WIGGA! My answer is...the magic number...none of the following. I was only trying to help," I added hastily, seeing all threes expressions grow furious.  
  
"We had plenty of help," Aragorn scolded. "You should have stayed safe! We were worried something happened to you!"  
  
"Yeah, and you could have brought me too!" Emily added. Aragorn gave her a disapproving glare.  
  
"Well, first off, blame the Elf. He knew. But he wasn't fast enough for me! WE GOTS AWAY! POWER TO THE SHCITZOPHRENIC!" Aragorn and Emily's head turned to Legolas, who scowled at me.  
  
"I TRIED to. It's not my fault she ran off," he muttered.  
  
"Blame the Elf, blame the Elf, blame the Elf, blame the-" Legolas clamped a hand over my mouth. I bit his palm and he drew it away, cursing to himself in Elvish. Aragorn's eyes laughed, but he kept a strict face.  
  
"Next time you leave it to the men."  
  
"Then I get a gender transplant."  
  
"EW! BAD IMAGES, BART!!! OH THE HORROR!!!!!" Emily shrieked and covered her eyes mockingly. I grinned at Legolas and Aragorn's confused faces.  
  
"Don't ask, laddies," I cried jovially. "Now, join me in a song of celebration for kicking Orc arse! 'Oooo, I've got a loverly bunch of croutons, deedly dee, and there they are a-standing in a row! Bum bum bum! Fuzzy ones, big ones, ones the size of bushes!'"  
  
"No, not that one! THE GOLLUM SONG!" Emily cried. "'We only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweet!'"  
  
"Mine's better!" I declared.  
  
"Nuh uh!" Emily objected.  
  
"WELL you're a meanie!" I replied.  
  
"You're a nutter butter!" THAT'S MY WORD!  
  
"ACORN! SHE CALLED ME A NUTTER BUTTER!" I cried and tugged on Aragorn's sleeve.  
  
"Don't call him Acorn, you little bugger!" she shot back and grabbed a broke spear shaft. Then she began beating my head with it till I grabbed the other half of it and we had a "sword fight." I poked my end in her face and jabbed her forehead. She whapped my head. I struck her shoulder. She poked my cheek and grabbed my part out of my hands. I let out a cry of protest and kicked her shins.  
  
Both spear halves clattered to the floor and she doubled over in momentary pain.  
  
"Give up?"  
  
"Whatever, Katie."  
  
"MY NAME IS THE DARK LORD OF THE DAISY BALLOONS! You can even ask Eomer!"  
  
"Well, Eomer-Eomer! Where'd he go?" Emily called and darted off to find him. I looked at Legolas.  
  
"These little grasshoppers are so easily amused," I commented. He frowned, then started to shake his head and laugh. I knew he would give up the mad look sooner or later! KATIE ALWAYS WINS!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
WE UPDATEDED!!! *claps and pats herself on the back* I've been so caught up with "This is My Life" that I haven't updated this! BAD KATIE! But now it's here and you can tell me how long it took me to update!  
  
And *gasp* GUESS WHAT!! KATIE ISH GOING TO TEACH HERSELF ELVISH! I WANT APPLAUSE! *the only clapping heard is from herself* Morons...  
  
Niffers: I know...I need a portable mud puddle.  
  
Dy: *gasps and shoves HER Leggy into the safe again* I'm the only torturer here, lil person! Back off chigga wigga!!  
  
Devil's lil imp: YAY, Katie gets appwause! Wow, I really didn't think ya'll would like this fic so much...me ish very glad it's one of your favorites though!  
  
Bjam: And you SHOULD feel special, my friend. Bob, Henry, and Fluffy say they are fine. They want to take a visit to the fish farm though, Henry has relatives there. PAINT FUMES SMELL GOOD! *inhales the paint then realizes it's bad for you* Oops...  
  
Jakie Firecracker: I agree, we should gets a medels! *goes Gollum* Doesn't we, my Precious? Okay, back to "normal." I'm kinda going by mostly movie, cause it's easier. (in the movie Eowyn goes with) And you want to be hyper...be one with the hyperness...BE HYPER! *does the hypnotizing deal*  
  
Elronds Bane: Jelly fish...kewlies...*pokes the jelly fish w/ a stick* 


	6. French Lessons

Chapter Six: French Lessons  
  
"Hey, Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloons."  
  
"You raaaaaang?"  
  
"No, I asked."  
  
"Well that makes all the difference." Emily rolled her eyes at me.  
  
"Whatever, Dark Lord, Legolas wanted me to come get you. Before we leave tomorrow he wants to drill you. He's out...uh...some where," she informed me.  
  
"Oh what fun. Let me go get my army hat and camouflage outfit and I'll be already to storm the enemy's camp! Now, let's see, where is Out Some Where?" I cried in mock cheer and marched away. I could her Emily sigh sadly behind me. Pickle head. I guess she's leaving me to wander around on my own.  
  
"HEY, WAIT FOR ME!" Emily screeched and skidded to a stop next to me. Or maybe she's not.  
  
"Lead the way, good chap," I ordered without answering her. She glared, and stomped down a hallway. It actually led to the gate going outside the "training yard." Which happened to be a field of scrubby grass with a few target boards and stick dummies. There was a hill that dipped down to the field. I squinted and saw Legolas and Aragorn standing in the middle of it. Aragorn waved to us to hurry up.  
  
"We're comin'!" I hollered and bulleted down the hill at top speed. You know when you run down a steep hill? Well, that's what was happening to me. I didn't slowly down when I hit the level part, rather went barreling toward the Elf and Man who were turned the other way.  
  
"Look out-" I started to cry and crashed into Legolas. I instantly fell over. He teetered on his feet, finally catching his balance. "...Bellow?"  
  
"YOU FOOL OF A DARK LORD!! YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO DAISY BALLOONS EVERY WHERE!!!!!!" Emily cried and skidded to a stop next to us. I untangled myself from myself and stood up, brushing myself off.  
  
"I blame the Elf."  
  
"Of course you do. I'm an easy person to blame things on," Legolas cried and scowled. I reached up to pat the top of his head, but I only got up to his ear. Dang Elves and their height.  
  
"Bend over," I ordered.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"So I can pat you on the head and say, 'Good little Jedi, you are learning well!'" I scoffed as though it were obviously. He sighed, shook his head and turned back to Aragorn.  
  
"Da da da de da da de da duh! Dununun doo dee doo doo doo dee doo..." Emily hummed to Jeopardy music as they rambled on to each other in Elvish. For fifteen minutes I tapped my foot impatiently. Finally I threw my hands up and slapped Emily's head.  
  
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP!?!?!" I screeched. She growled and continued humming.  
  
"Never give in men! We shall defeat the Lard Lord-Lard Lord? HEHE! You're the Lard Lord!" she cried.  
  
"That was a slip of the tongue! You can't call me the...Lard Lord. I don't even know what lard is!" I snapped. "If you don't stop calling me that, I'll sick my ginger snap demons on you!"  
  
"Oh my God, GINGER SNAP DEMONS! I'm sooooo scared. Please, no, don't let them eat me!" Emily answered in a flat voice.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
"That's not the way of the Migs! Be kind to the grapes or die!"  
  
"I guess I'll die then..."  
  
"Ho hum."  
  
"He heem."  
  
"Ha ham."  
  
"Hi him."  
  
"Ho, ho, ho, and a Merrry Christmas!" she added. I raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Moo?"  
  
"Meep?"  
  
"Would you both just be quiet?" Aragorn snapped. I narrowed my eyes.  
  
"You will not speak to the-"  
  
"Lard Lord!"  
  
"Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloons in such tone! You're grounded, young man, and no Nintendo!" I ordered and pointed at a mole hole in the ground. "Go on, into your room!"  
  
"I leave you to suffer in eternal sadness," Emily said to Legolas as Aragorn pulled her away. I crossed my hands behind my back, put on a look of sheer angelic innocence that I ALWAYS have had (deep down...okay, VERY deep down), and looked up at him.  
  
"So, dear shroom, what torture is in store for me today?"  
  
"I'm not going to answer that," he replied. "Where is your bow?"  
  
"Hmm...good question...You know, think it's up...there!" I pointed to the stone fortress of Helm's Deep.  
  
"Then go get it."  
  
"Can't I just use yours?"  
  
"NO!" I jumped and darted away before he could hit me on the head with it. In a matter of minutes, I was coming back from my room, bow in hand.  
  
"I'm back, old chap!" I said, putting on an English accent. He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"And do you plan to shoot yourself out of the bow or what?" he asked dryly. I glanced down, smiled innocently, then shrugged.  
  
"Actually, I was going to ask if I could borrow Emily but-"  
  
"Just go get them. And hurry up," he replied with a sigh of exasperation. I came back wit the quiver, a big grin plastered on my face.  
  
"Okay, Piglet, I, Winnie the Pooh, here by dub thee...NORMAN OSBO!" I cried and held up my quiver triumphantly. "In other words, I have retrieved the sacred object from the Occult Shrine of Noddingham."  
  
"Good. Load it."  
  
"Load what?"  
  
"The bow, little fool!"  
  
"I'm not little! I'm just a fool! Leave me alone!" I snapped and did as I was told. This was going to take forever...  
******  
"Hurry up," Legolas called behind his shoulder. I struggled to get onto the demon horse. He stomped his feet impatiently.  
  
"Oh shut up, stupid butt hole of an Elf," I muttered and finally managed to get on the horse. I straightened, and urged the horse onward. He snorted, stomped his feet some more, and stood silently. I let out a breath of annoyance.  
  
"I hate you...Curse you and all your kind!" I snapped at the horse. He merely let out a whinny. "Leggy, a little help?"  
  
"Maybe I will if you stop calling me Leggy..."  
  
"Legolas, dear, would you lend a hand?" I asked, all sticky sweetness.  
  
"It helps if you don't dig your feet into his sides..."  
  
"I am doing no such thing!" But I loosened my grip with my legs. The horse surged forward and I grinned.  
  
"See, I TOLD you I didn't need any help," I said to Legolas.  
  
"Of course you didn't..."  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"To Isengard," Aragorn answered.  
  
"Can I ring the door bell and ask him if he wants girl scout cookies?"  
  
"No, Katie-"  
  
"That's the Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloon to you, buddy."  
  
"-you cannot. Saruman is not someone who we want to take lightly," Legolas warned.  
  
"I don't! But ever since I saw how he suspended old Gandy off the edge of Orthanc, I've wanted to do it to Emily...yet I can't! Why am I so deprived of magical powers?!" I asked in a fake, teary voice.  
  
"Because you would be the next dark lord if you have magic powers," Emily said from behind Aragorn.  
  
"I already am! I am...THE-"  
  
"LARD LORD!"  
  
"Nuh uh!"  
  
"Yah huh! Don't deny it!"  
  
"Dorme toujours!" I snapped.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's French."  
  
"I don't do French..."  
  
"I said, 'Sleep forever!'"  
  
"That's not nice!"  
  
"I can say bunny and murder too...'lapin' and 'tuer'!"  
  
"Is that ALL you learned in French?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Then say something else. A sentence."  
  
"A tes soutats."  
  
"Why did you say 'excuse you'?"  
  
"I dunno...Je vais tuer..."  
  
"Stop it! What does that mean?"  
  
"How should I know? I think it means 'I'm going to murder you' but I can't be sure..."  
  
"You have a gruesome mind," Aragorn commented. I wrinkled my nose at him.  
  
"What nonsense, children are said to have beautiful minds!" Emily said.  
  
"I'll take that as a compliment..."  
  
"Who wants to sing a song?" Emily asked cheerfully.  
  
"Not me," I moaned.  
  
"Ooooooh.....'She wore an itsy bitsy yellow polka dot bikini, that she wore for the first time today!'" Emily rang out.  
  
"Oh, God, not commercial songs!" I cried and covered my ears. She started singing another ditty. Oh dear Lord...it's the Cheerios one...  
  
"'I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of?'"  
  
"You're afraid that I'll come after you with a sledge hammer!" I threatened.  
  
"'Oh I wonder, wonder, oh I do I do, what's in your wonder ball!'"  
  
"That's like...fifty years old Emily..."  
  
"'If I had the wangs of a flutterbai!'" she cried in a hick accent, not hearing me. "'Up the wood I would flay, I would flay, unteell, the day that I dai, drop daid! Ooo la la oo la la oodla! Oo oo la la la la!'"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That brings back bad memories of freezing at night because they didn't seem to think girl scouts needed heat in the cabins...In the middle of winter..." I declared. She paused.  
  
"I remember that. You had to sleep in your coat and my shoes because you we so cold."  
  
"And I only brought sweat pants..."  
  
"And, oh God, remember 'The Frodo Show'??!!?" she cried and clapped her hands like an idiot. I paused, thinking, then it clicked.  
  
"Oh...that..."  
  
"Yes that. That was FUN!" Okay, Frodo Show...yeah. When I was eleven, I used to name my stuffed animals (I had at least forty of 'em) after LOTR characters. Then I would do a kind of show thing, usually for just me and Emily's entertainment. How weird can you get? And Emily kept throwing the cast around...You know, dropping them in the fake well, hiding them in her pants, etc etc etc.  
  
"The what show?" Gimli asked, puzzled. Legolas and Aragorn had equally confused expressions.  
  
"The Frodo Show, of course! Hey, Bart, we need to get Sam, and Frodo, and Gollum and Galadriel and all them other folks and react it!"  
  
"How bout...not."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, I don't think they would appreciate being utter idiots just for your entertainment..."  
  
"Yours too. Don't deny the Dark Side, Luke, I know you secretly want Sam to tip the boats over!"  
  
"NO!!! DON'T TELL THE PEACOCKS ALL THE HORRIBLE LIES WE'VE ENVISIONED!" I cried. My horse let out a shrill whinny and charged forward, startled by my shout. No! Not cool! "OH CRAP!!!! EMILY!! LEGOLAS!! SAVE ME!!!!!" The horse ran across the grass at a moderate speed, but I was still clinging to his neck in terror. "Heel horsy, HEEL! Er, I mean, oh God, WOAH!!!!!!" Lot of good that did me...The horse only sped up into a gallop.  
  
"KATIE! Come back!" Emily called.  
  
"I CAN'T!!! SAVE ME!!!!" I screeched. The horse jerked to an abrupt stop and I flew over his head. I landed on my rear and then dropped awkwardly into a laying position on the ground. The sky spun wildly above me. How blue...blue polka dots...blue croutons...blue Mercedes Benz...Where the heck did that come from?  
  
Emily's face appeared over mine. Her face was twisted into a frown, but I could tell she was just waiting to laugh when I wasn't around. I turned away from her with a moan.  
  
"Go away...It hurts..."  
  
"Where does it hurt?" Legolas asked as his face appeared on the other side of me.  
  
"Well, my ass feels like I just rammed a sledge hammer onto it..."  
  
"Then you're fine," he said and pulled me up. A little groan escaped my lips as I straightened.  
  
"Ow...back...not...feel...good..." I muttered and sat back down. "It hurts to stand up!"  
  
"Is she paralyzed?" Emily asked hopefully. I hope she dies...  
  
"No, I'm not paralyzed, nitwit...I wanna new spine to go please..." I grumbled.  
  
"Is she alright?" Aragorn asked. Eomer was now following Aragorn too.  
  
"What happened?" he asked.  
  
"Go away...TELL THE TELITUBIES TO GO-OW!!! WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO?!?!?!?!" I yelled as Aragorn slammed his hand down on my back. Something made a loud snapping sound.  
  
"I think he put the bone or whatever back in place..." Emily said carefully. I bit my lip to keep from screaming my head off. It was five seconds of pain, but it still wasn't okay to just put someone's bone back in place without warning!  
  
"Thank you for you diagnosis, Dr. Emily," I snapped as Legolas pulled me up again. I crossed my arms. True, my back didn't feel like it had a fight with a blender, but I was still mad. I stomped off to the horse, who was calmly grazing a few yards away.  
  
"You, my friend, are the dumbest creature that ever walked the earth! Can you please bend over so I can get on you?" I pleaded with him. I heard scattered snickers behind me. He flicked his tail and I sighed. Perfect, the HORSE won't even listen to me!  
  
***  
  
WOO HOO!!!! I updated! Ah, no don't through things at me!!!! *cries and hides in a shoebox*  
  
Sorry it's been taking so long...I've been concentrating on TIML. I love that fanfic...*huggles it* Okay, well, guess what!!! WALLACE HAS A FANFIC! She says she putting it up soooon. And I think it spiftactular!  
  
Devil's lil imp: AMEN!! Feminism RULES!  
  
Dy: Okies...just...let me make a mental note to stay away from iron maiden exhibits...you never know when rabid peeps are waiting to lock me in one...*shifty glance*  
  
Niffers: *gasp* YOU DON'T KNOW THE GOLLUM SONG??? *hyperventilates* NOOO!! Go look on pages 287 and 288 in The Two Towers. There's the masterpiece!  
  
Elronds Bane: Hey...you ryhmed...insane and strange...at least I think you did...I DON'T KNOW! *sobs* I just don't know!  
  
lazee2signin: *eyes get all wide and she goes Galadriel on everyone* NO!!! YOU SHALL NEVER TAKE MY MATRESS TAG!!!!! IF YOU DO I'LL-*the sound of a microwave timer is heard* Oh, if you'll excuse me, I have to take my hair gel soup out of the microwave. 


	7. The Orc Vaccinator

Chapter Seven  
Orthanc rose up on the horizon line like a big needle. Needles...I began to wonder if Saruman vaccinates his Orcs with the points at the top of the tower. It would be a very handy tool, but very painful. And it's probably leave a gaping hole where ever they needed to be vaccinated. So, I decided he must not use the tower for vaccinations.  
  
"I bet Saruman takes care of polka dotted sea monkeys in his spare time," Emily commented. My eyebrows shot up and I gave her "the look."  
  
"Now, just were did that come from?" I asked patiently.  
  
"It was imported from the Land of Nod," she said after a moment of thinking. I sighed and shook my head, turning away to look at the very very evil looking gate looming closer. Gandalf, at the head of the company on Shadowfax, led onward. Aragorn and Emily followed on Hasufel. Legolas and Gimli came next on Arod, and I followed on my stubborn horse. I decided to name him Obstinate Fool. Lovely name, no? I'm so brilliant, I made it up myself! Yeah, yeah, I know Eomer's gonna hate me for the name, but it's the honest truth.  
  
"The white one makes your head look funny," Emily said to Legolas suddenly. I snorted with laughter. The things this little grasshopper comes up with...  
  
"What?!" Legolas gave her a startled expression.  
  
"The white one, silly! It makes your head look waaay to big. You need to go with the fuchsia!" she cried and clapped her hands prettily. "Trust me, honey, I'm a fAshION expert!" She stressed the 'a' and the 'io' in 'fashion.' I groaned. Save me Lord. I swear, I will never again ball up my socks before I put them in the washing machine if I am saved! But, then again, they don't have washing machines in Middle Earth.  
  
"What is fuchsia?" he asked, clearly confused, as usual whenever he talked to her.  
  
"It's a color. It's a really-"  
  
"Sick looking pink color," I finished for her with a grin. Legolas wrinkled his nose in disgust and Emily scowled.  
  
"I think I'll pass..." he said lightly.  
  
"See, Emily? Pink is an insult to the rainbow. Everyone hates it, even you."  
  
"Hey, I'm not the one who had a light pink room with BALLERINA stickers all over it!" Emily snapped. My eyes widened and I opened my mouth to scream, then remembered Obstinate Fool would bolt if I did.  
  
"SH!!! Don't say that in public!!! IT'S MY SECRET, YOU DIAPER WEARING NOSE SNIFFING BASSOON!!!" I cried and she only laughed. No, she doesn't wear diapers, but she doesn't use her nose as a musical instrument. It's not the nicest thing to hear, I will tell you that. And I refuse to comment on the pink room with ballerinas. I WILL NOT SAY A WORD!!  
  
"Katie likes p-" I nudged Obstinate Fool over to her. He moved three centimeters over, and then resumed walking normally. I growled at him to no avail.  
  
"MOVE OVER! Please, Obstinate Fool?" I pleaded. "You can help me run her over!"  
  
"Obstinate Fool? You're so creative, Katie!" Emily chortled. "Hey, Eomer, Katie's named your hose Obstinate Fool!" Eomer and Theoden both looked back at us. Theoden muttered something to Eomer, and turned away. Eomer glared at him, then wheeled his horse around to face us.  
  
"You will not mock the horses of Rohan so lightly!" he snapped. I stared at his stormy face, totally unfazed.  
  
"But names should tell about the bearers personality. Trust me on this, he is an obstinate fool," I countered eagerly.  
  
"Ignore her, Lord, she is young and knows not how to hold her tongue," Legolas said to Eomer.  
  
"Indeed I know this," Eomer commented and rode back to his place next to Theoden. I sighed in relief.  
  
"Woah...I thought he was gonna shove me into the Cracks of Doom or something..." I said.  
  
"Don't say that name, please," Legolas said, cringing. I smirked.  
  
"You mean 'Cracks of Doom?'" I asked unmercifully.  
  
"YES!" he cried and flinched as I said it.  
  
"Okay, I swear, on the Cracks of Doom, that I will never say the Cracks of Doom again, and if I do say the Cracks of Doom again, I will push myself into the Cracks of Doom and burn to a crisp in the Cracks of Doom and a giant will pull me out of the Cracks of Doom and eat me like toast made from the Cracks of Doom," I said solemnly.  
  
"That's a run on sentence," Emily said with a smile. I couldn't reply because Gandalf halted at the gate of the Orc Vaccinator (Yep, the new name for Orthanc!) just then.  
  
(A/N: This is the part where everything is going to sound lame because I really hate copying script from my book. *pouts* So bear with me if it sounds real scary. It won't be word for word or anything, I'm improvising. Live with it.)  
  
As we crossed the thresh hold, we saw two little men jumped out. They were worse for wear but I couldn't quite place their faces...SO DANG FAMILIAR!!! Dining utensils and plates and bowls were strewn around them. One was asleep, and the other sat quietly near his companion. Water was everywhere, with bits of rubbish floating around. The one not asleep stood, and looked up politely at Theoden and Eomer, bowing low to the ground.  
  
"Welcome, my lords, to Isengard!" he said grandly. WHERE HAVE I HEARD HIS VOICE?? "We are the door-wardens, Meriadoc, son of Saradoc is my name; and my companion, who, alas, is overcome with weariness-" here he kicked the other and the second little man rose from his sleep. "-is Peregrin son of Paladin, of the house of Took. Far in the North is our home. The Lord Saruman is within; but at the moment he is closeted with one Wormtongue, or, doubtless he would be here to welcome such honorable guests." Big words for such a little hobbity person...wait...Hobbits...Two hobbits missing...Meriadoc and Peregrin...MERRY AND PIPPIN!!! I swear I am not blond!! I am just air headed. There's a difference.  
  
And that, as everyone who has read LOTR knows, is how we were reunited with the small little hedgehogs. Merry and Pippin gave Gandalf and the Riders directions to Treebeard. Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn demanded to know what happened. Merry and Pippin decided to take them to an abandoned barrack. Emily already knew the whole deal, but she was thirsty so she was forced to go along with them. I went because I wanted to see if there was any sugar or croutons in their little stash. Highly unlikely, yet I like to dream big.  
  
"So, what did ya'll do while we-excuse me, I, no thanks to SOMEONE-got stuck with the Mary-Sues in Helms Deep?" Emily asked. The two hobbits launched into the tale of how they were taken captive by the Orcs, then found by Treebeard. Then they started to tell about how they stirred up the Ents to war. Pipes had been smoked throughout the whole deal by everyone but the juveniles (Emily and I) and the "Clean Air" Elf (Legolas).  
  
"Why do you four get to get high and I don't?" I protested angrily. Aragorn looked at me in bewilderment.  
  
"'Get high?'" he asked quizzically.  
  
"To get high," Emily said smartly. "To get high means to get pumped up with tobacco, marijuana, heroin, etc."  
  
"Heroin? Marijuana?" Legolas shot her a look similar to Aragorn's.  
  
"Pollution for the lungs. They're like too much tobacco on a worse scale," I explained and added hastily, seeing his horrified expression, "I seriously don't get high. It's a joke. When you get high, you act...crazy, you know?" Emily was cackling now at the reaction of the others'.  
  
"I'm glad to hear that," he muttered and I scowled at Emily.  
  
"Emily, it's not funny! They believe you, you nutter! I do NOT get high!" I snapped icily. She shut up, but still giggled every now and then.  
  
"Come, dear Wallace, we are going to take a dip in the gross, unclean, garbage infested water," I said, glancing at Emily who was poking the back of Legolas's with a stick she found somewhere (I swear, she just makes these things appear out of no where!). "And stop taking my job you elephant thief!"  
  
"Toodles, and remember kids, NO GETTING HIGH WITHOUT MOMMY!" she warned and I dragged her out as she added, "No more dead dogs!!"  
  
"That's a book, you know," I said to her as she shut the door.  
  
"What is?"  
  
"'No More Dead Dogs.' Remember? The main character's name was Wallace Wallace."  
  
"Oh yeah...you read it? Without telling me?"  
  
"You'd read it already, stupid!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"So why should you care?"  
  
"So so?"  
  
"So shut up!"  
  
"S-okay." We dodged puddles of water until we came to a set of steps leading up to the arch over the gateway. Without a word to each other we climbed up and sat on the arch. I swung my legs carefully, wishing I could push Legolas into another puddle. Wet Elves might look yummy...  
  
"I sense you are having impure thoughts, my child," Emily said wisely. I snapped into attention.  
  
"Stop being Galadriel!"  
  
"Ha! Caught red handed! I knew it! So, tell me-"  
  
"No, never!"  
  
"Do it or I'll lock you in Orthanc."  
  
"NO! NOT INSIDE THE ORC VACCINATOR!"  
  
"Orc Vaccinator?" she asked.  
  
"Yep. New name for Orthanc. The top looks like a needle, don't you think? He might have once vaccinated Orcs up there. You know, against getting all pretty and Elfy again."  
  
"'Pretty and Elfy again?'" she repeated.  
  
"Duh..." I tried my best impression of Saruman. "'They were Elves once. Tortured, and mutilated-"  
  
"I get the picture," she said, cutting me off. "Hey, do you think we could get Saruman to do that to Legolas?"  
  
"NO!" I cried.  
  
"But why not?" she begged, putting on a puppy dog face. No...must resist the puppy dog face...She stuck her lower lip out further.  
  
"Because...then he wouldn't be pretty anymore!" I said stubbornly. Never would I give into the Puppy Dog Face of Doom.  
  
"Pretty?" floated up a voice from bellow. I peered down at Legolas. Merry and Pippin laughed a little and Aragorn smiled.  
  
"Hello, ye sailors. How goes the fishing in these parts? I hear there be a landscaping expert down the wave a piece," Emily called.  
  
"Yes, pretty. Let's face it, dear Elf, you are pretty," I said firmly to Legolas. He scowled.  
  
"I am not pretty."  
  
"Then what are you?" Emily asked.  
  
"Don't answer that! Leggy, don't do it!!!" I cried. My exaggerated movements of urgency for his not to answer caused me to tip off the edge of the arch. SPLASH. Right in a puddle of the slightly muddy water. Why do I always fall off things?  
  
"Anyone say a word and I hurt you..." I muttered and rubbed water from my eyes.  
  
"At least it's not me," Legolas joked. That did it. I grabbed his leg and wrenched down with all the strength I could muster. God this guy is like a rock! But he did fall over and join me in the sewage.  
  
"Now it is," I said simply and stood up. "Snuggles will always get revenge. Remember, young Jedi." I went, dripping, with Emily to find clean clothes.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yep, there seriously is a book called "No More Dead Dogs." I just read the whole thing a while ago actually. I dunno, it just found its way into the text, I guess...  
  
I'm gonna die from heat exhaustion...okay, so it's only 87 degrees, I'm sweating though! *glares at her mother, who refuses to turn on the A/C* I need cool air...I might take refuge in my room with my lovely library books with the nice window open...YES, I GOT NEW BOOKS FROM THE LIBRARY!!! CELEBRATE MY FRIENDS, CELEBRATE! And remember, when people say, "Katie, seventeen books is way too much" tell them to leave you and your books alone or you will pull an RL 20 on them...Okay, not really, but still, WORSHIP THE BOOKS! ^_^  
  
Dy: Yes it was. Thank you, but I'd like to live a while longer...*narrows eyes and grabs Leggy for protection.*  
  
Star Girl: Okay, thanks a bunch! ^_^ We will haves a look.  
  
Bjam: *claps* YAY! I guess that means I can actually take correct notes in class...it's amazing! *scratches head* But, no, the last time I checked my location was Mirkwood...in Mirkwood palace...hiding behind a tapestry with a butterfly net for a certain Elf...*jumps out and snatches Leggy in an oversized net.*  
  
Wandering-Ranger: Nuh uh! They are SO not your words! MINE! ALL MINE! I made the Meepish Language! I own it! I SWEAR I DO! *sobs* 


	8. The Peach Theory

Chapter Eight  
My mouth dropped in surprise. How could she say such a thing?  
"I can't believe you're saying Puff isn't cool!" I cried.  
  
"I never said that!" Emily protested. But I knew what she was really thinking. She hated my puffy little friend and I could see right through her!  
  
"You lie!" I hissed. Okay, so I was being grouchy on purpose. So what?  
  
"Nuh uh. You can't even sing the sing the song!!" Emily snapped.  
  
"Can too!"  
  
"Then sing the first stanza!"  
  
"Oh, Puff the magic dragon, lived by the sea. And frolicked in the autumn mists in a land called Honalee! Little Jackie Paper, loved that rascal Puff. And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff, oh-"  
  
"Okay, please don't sing!" Emily cried and covered her ears. I scowled and rubbed my eyes. I was tired and ready to bite anyone's head off who argued with me. Yes, when I'm tired and without sugar or caffeine, I can get pretty mean.  
  
"Thank you for stopping the torture."  
  
"Shut up, stupid Elf," I growled.  
  
"I will if you will," Legolas answered with a smirk.  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
"Stop what?" Emily asked, butting into the conversation once again.  
  
"Just go away."  
  
"That's not nice. After all the times I've saved you from uncertain death, you tell me to go away. I'd like to see you take on an Orc without me to kill it in the end," Legolas scolded. I narrowed my eyes, staring at him hard with my evil look. And believe me, it's a pretty evil look...  
  
"Rule number one of the putting up with Katie handbook: Leave her alone when she's mad," Emily said smartly. I turned my glare to her and she only grinned.  
  
We were riding along in the boring scenery near Isengard. I wasn't paying attention to anyone really. For some reason, I was in a very sour mood. I do that. Get testy for no reason, I mean. But that's just me. And as if it could have gotten any worst, I was still stuck with Obstinate Fool.  
  
"I vote for nap time," I said suddenly. I rubbed my tired eyes again. All the nights with barely any sleep were catching up big time. I suddenly felt very warm and fuzzy and-NO! I must fight the sleepy feelings! I will never give into the nice, cozy, comfort of sleep that I wish-STOP THINKING LIKE THAT!  
  
"Well, too bad, we don't. It's day time, stupid," Emily said with a scolding sigh. Someday I WILL kill her, I swear.  
  
"EMILY!!!! Just-shut up!!!!" I cried and ran my fingers through my sweaty hair. That was another thing. I desperately wanted a bath. A shower. Heck, I'd even take a lake as long as it was clean!  
  
"Someone's getting a little aggravated."  
  
"I swear Emily..." I threatened in a sharp voice. Legolas backed off a little, but Emily knew me too well. She kept cheerfully goading me on and on until I finally wacked her with my dictionary. She massaged her sore head with a scowl.  
  
"I was just joking," she whined. I let out a moan. Not the whining... "God, Katie, you take everything too seriously!"  
  
"SERIOUSLY? A serious person would hesitate for a million years to dump the crack-head Elf in a mud puddle. A serious person wouldn't fantasize about placed called Peemont and junk. SO DON'T CALL ME SERIOUS!!!!!!"  
  
"Jeez, sorry."  
  
"I'm not a crack-head Elf!" Legolas objected, not caring that he didn't know what that meant.  
  
"You better be, you constipated pack of slime," I answered Emily, ignoring Legolas's comment.  
  
"Well, you're a pain in the ass too."  
  
"Not as much as you. No, no, no-" I held up my hand to stop her from answering. "Don't argue. Just shut up and I'll save you from my dictionary wrath." She crossed her arms and scowled. Fine, be mad at me. See if I care.  
*********  
  
"Scientific studies show that peaches are mammals." Yes, my opening statement to the little group surrounding the campfire. Emily sighed next to me.  
  
"No, they aren't dear. And it's about time, you've finally come out of Oscar Mode," she commented and shoved a piece of bread into her mouth. I watched her chew, then swallow. So fascinating.  
  
"First off, how can peaches be mammals? They don't breath. Second, who in Eru's name is Oscar?" Elf Boy said from his position across from the two of us. Aragorn sniggered and Emily nodded.  
  
"Exactly my point, dear Watson. About the peaches I mean," she added.  
  
"Emily, don't confuse him with more names. Oscar is a puppet on a kids'...ah...entertainment show that is very grouchy," I said, searching for words he would understand. It's not Middle Earth's fault Tolkien didn't apply them with the knowledge of TVs and Sesame Street.  
  
"I see. And what about the-"  
  
"No! Don't get her started! She'll explain something like with the mouth- latch theory!" Emily cried and waved her hands frantically. But the deed was done.  
  
"-peaches?" Legolas finished hesitantly. I grinned widely. Gone was my mood of complete grumpiness.  
  
"Ah, yes, the peach theory. You see, mammals have fur-"  
  
"Are you saying that we're all furry little creatures?" Emily interrupted.  
  
"I didn't say it, but I am beginning to think that of Gimli and Merry and Pippin's feet..." I said dryly. "Swear on your head that you'll interrupt the great and powerful Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloons?"  
  
"Fine, Lard Lord."  
  
"I resent that," I snapped. Several of the five men that had joined us snickered. I shot them all the evil look.  
  
"Get on with your theory," Legolas said tersely.  
  
"Moving right all. So, mammals have fur. So do peaches. Thus the theory that peaches are mammals. I bet they talk too, but in code or sign language so we can't understand or anything," I explained seriously. Emily erupted into a mass of laughter. Legolas grinned at me in an amused way. What was so funny? My logic was sensible. I told them this sourly and they only laughed more.  
  
"What, may I ask, is so funny?" I demanded.  
  
"Your logic," Emily answered.  
  
"What's wrong with my logic? It makes perfect sense!" I cried. If mammals had fur, then peaches were mammals! Simple, wasn't it? Of course it was. No one should argue with elementary science!  
  
"Well, for one, peaches don't grow," Emily said.  
  
"Of course they do! Off of tries!"  
  
"No, I mean, they are born, they live, then they die."  
  
"Peaches do that. They grown from their trees, and they live happy lives hanging from the branches of a peach tree until they are picked and eaten, which ends their life. If they aren't eaten, then they fall off and get a squishy and gross and...gross...and well, yeah."  
  
"You know what I mean."  
  
"No, sorry, I don't."  
  
"Look at it this way. Peaches don't get sick. Peaches don't digest. They don't-ah-create new life," Legolas said haltingly. I smirked. What fun it is to see Elf Boy talk about reproducing. Of peaches, none the less! I could make big bucks off of this if I had it on camera and could sell things in the black market.  
  
"Of course they do. Mold is like a sickness. They are part of photosynthesis, which is like plant digesting. And they have seeds in them, thus, reproduction junk," I explained.  
  
"I give up," Legolas said to Emily. She nodded and shoved more bread in her mouth. That reminded me of my own hunger.  
  
"You know what? I would give a right arm and a left leg for a dead cow pattie..." I said nonchalantly. Emily raised an eyebrow.  
  
"'Dead cow pattie?'" she repeated. I nodded.  
  
"In other words, a hamburger."  
  
"What's a hamburger?" Legolas asked. Poor Elf. He has never ever taste the fine delicacy of an American burger...poor lost soul.  
  
"Heaven food. Really, it's a dead-" I started to say but Emily cut me off.  
  
"Please, Bart, I'm eating," she said.  
  
"I knew that already without you telling me."  
  
"Yeah, well, too bad."  
  
"I wanna taste your hair," I declared and tugged at her blond hair. She batted my hand away. Sure, that will really keep me away. Not. I grabbed a fistful of her hair and yanked down. She yelped and jerked away.  
  
"Aragorn?"  
  
"Yes?" he answered, raising his head to look at her.  
  
"Can I please kill that little demon?" she asked seriously.  
  
"No."  
  
"Why ever for?"  
  
"Because everyone loves Katie!" I cried cheerfully and strung my arms over her shoulder and Legolas's. "See? Friends!"  
  
"Yeah, FRIENDS," Emily repeated dryly. I grinned like an idiot and nodded vigorously.  
  
"Yes, yes. And now, the friend song! Lean on me, when you're not strong! I'll be your friend! I'll help you caaaaaaaarry oooon!"  
  
"No, not the Lean on Me song!!!" Emily cried and covered her ears, curling into a ball. Legolas edged away following Emily's example and covering his ears. I glared at them both. They were all against me. They all despised my very existence! Oh well...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Bjam: What's wrong with impure thoughts about the pretty Elf? *grins evilly* And indeed, I should be a name generator person!  
  
Dy: *jumps on her with a wild look in her eye* Back up off chigga wigga!! *shoves Leggy into the safe and cackles.* HAHAHAHA!!  
  
Dr. Evil: Hey, nifty, I got another eternal servant!! Awesome! ^_^ Glad you think this thing is so funny...And I believe the song goes, 'hi ho Captain Jack! Take me down to the railroad tracks! With your fishing pole in your hand!' and so on and so on. Or it could just be Hi ho hi ho it's off to...*thinks for a moment* THE MANGO STAND we go!  
  
Niffers: Amen to that, ma penguin bro! But I got 22 this time! GO ME!!!! And yes, the wet Elf was an added bonus. Not that the poor Pointy Eared guy had any choice...I love these mind powers!!  
  
Elronds Bane: Amen, you mean MY *points to herself* Leggy! Paws off the Elf! Anyway, yep, I got more books this time. Pretty, pretty ones too!!! *grins like an idiot*  
  
Baru-chan: H-Home G-G-Gardening Cha-a-annel? As in...the Mary-Sue-Home- Martha-Stewart-Type-Channel? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, it's Bartholomew Piddles. So there evil kinevil! And *gasp* are you saying reading is...insane? NO!! BAD BAD BAD!!! Reading is not insane! It's life I tell you, LIFE!!!!!! Oh, and I will never give into the Good Side! Sith Lords rule! *whips out a yellow, sparkly light saber with fake butterflies flying around it. Blushes* Oops, sorry, that's-ah-my brother's!  
  
Songelf88: I'll trade you OK weather for snow-NOT! The weather is actually really nice outside...if I open my windows my room smells like the outside...*inhales the air in her room with a dreamy expression* Smell nice...  
  
Mellon: I bet you are that cruel. NO ONE TAKES THE ELF AWAY!! *sobs and clutches the safe which Leggy is in.* 


	9. GoldenEye

Chapter Nine  
I was roughly jostled awake. A pair of blue eyes stared down at me expectantly. (insert insulting word here) Elf. I moaned and covered my head with the hat, which served as a head warmer. It gets dang could outside, trust me. Legolas nudged me with him foot again.  
  
"Wake up," he hissed. I moaned again, louder. Never would I wake up! Okay, it was beside the point that I was already awake, but I would never open my eyeballs! NEVER!  
  
"Move over, stupid Elf, let me show you how this is done," Emily said. My eyes shot open as a rain of sharp hard objects cascaded down on me. I leapt up, glaring at the pebbles that Emily had showed on me.  
  
"Demon. And you too, Pointy Ears, you let her torture me!!" I said, jabbing a finger at both of them. Legolas shrugged and went off to do whatever he does when I'm not watching him (that makes me worry).  
  
"That's nice," Emily muttered.  
  
"Say, where is ol' Gandy?" I asked. Then I remembered. He and Pippin had ridden off after the hobbit had messed around with the Palantír. Stupid thing to do, really, but it was all the old wizards fault, if you thought of it. He didn't play catch with Grima fast enough! HE was the one who didn't immediately pick up the shiny ball of death. I bet the Palantír felt cold...like I did right then...like an ice cream cone...ooo...ice cream equals sugar. Sugar equals highness. Never mind, the point is that I was cold.  
  
"He ran off with Pippin-I bet they'll get hitched in the first town they come to," she mused, one hand placed thoughtfully on her chin. That's a laugh, EMILY actually thinking.  
  
"I knew that. I just remembered," I said and shivered. It be way COLD!!  
  
"Sure you did." She rolled her eyes.  
  
"My evil mother will kick my ass if I don't go clean the cat box," I informed Emily, who remained standing with a dopey grin on her face. The grin instantly vanished when I said that. I slowly brought myself to my feet and glanced at her.  
  
"Where in the name of God did that come from?"  
  
"The Voices told me to do it, Mommy, I swear I didn't mean to kill President Garfinsnidellia!" I cried and drew my cloak further around me. Coldness...Coldness...Frozen Popsicleness...  
  
"Ooookay." I covered my face with the cloak and made muffle breathing sounds. This was cool.  
  
"Hey, look, I'm Darth Vader!! Pull yours up, you can be Darth Maul. Got it?" I told her and marched over to Legolas.  
  
"Pull out your life saver, young yeoman! We shall fight to the death, and whoever wins gets complete control over the Death Star! I'll even throw in a few popsicles with it!" I said, all seriousness. Emily came up behind me and blew in my ear.  
  
"Stupid freak, it's LIGHT SABER for one, AND Darth Vader doesn't like popsicles! He likes ice cream cones!" she hissed, just as serious as I was. I scowled at her.  
  
"At you calling me a man? Darth Vader is a girl!!!" I said, then snapped my fingers with a new idea. "I'll write a novel about it! It will be called...'DARTH VADER: My Life As An Unknown Female.'"  
  
"Uh huh...and I will laugh when you're sued by George Lucas for using his character," she said curtly and went to amuse herself.  
  
"Who is George Lucas?" Legolas asked. I had no idea of WHY he even asked these questions. Did he expect a straight answer? Who knows...  
  
"A Jedi Knight of the Mayflower Compact. He fought bravely in the Battle of 1812 and died, only to see Wombats and Marmadukes fight over the Spanish Americas in 1218."  
  
"Why do I even try?" he said with a sigh, voicing my own thoughts.  
  
"You're a cannibal too!! I'M TELLING NANNY FOO FOO ON YOUUUU!!!!!" I cried and pointed a finger at a tree. Just a random tree. He lifted one eyebrow as if to say "whatever" and I glared, wandering off to bug Aragorn. He was easier to bug.  
  
"Hey, guess what, Aragorn?" I greeted him with. He looked up from his cold breakfast to stare at me expectantly. "I have a new name for you!" I made it sound as though he were getting a treat.  
  
"Which is?" he asked hesitantly. I couldn't blame him, whatever I say might be a curse, which it isn't, but he doesn't know that.  
  
"Oh, God, KATIE! He has enough names now as it is," Emily interrupted, sitting down next to us. How does she do that?!?!? She just...pops up! I wanna learn how to do that!  
  
"Shut up, and listen. Aragorn, you're new name is...NORMAN OF CAMELOT!!!" I cried and spread my arms out. Emily coughed loudly, which I suspected was really a laugh.  
  
"Norman?" he asked finally and I nodded.  
  
"Norman! Or, you could be the Acorn of Doom. Take your pick," I added.  
  
"Can't I just be Aragorn?"  
  
"No! Of course not! New identities are always confusing! So when someone goes, 'Hey, Aragorn, sup ma penguin bro?' you can go, 'I am no longer Aragorn! Behold, I am...THE ACORN OF DOOM!!!" I stated grandly. There was silence for a moment, then Emily rolled her eyes.  
  
"Legolas!?!?!?! I NEED ROPE, BOY, ROPE I TELL YOU!!! Thick rope too!" I bolted from my seat. Sure, I was really going to stay right in the path for the rampaging assailant  
  
*******  
  
See reflections on the water,  
  
More than darkness in the depths,  
  
See him surface in every shadow,  
  
On the wind I feel his breath,  
GoldenEye, I've found his weakness,  
  
GoldenEye, he'll do what I please,  
  
GoldenEye, a time for sweetness,  
  
But a bitter kiss will bring him to his knees,  
You'll never know how I watched you from the shadows as a child,  
  
You'll never know how it feels to be the one who's left left behind,  
  
You'll never know the days, the nights, the tears, the tears I've cried,  
  
But now my time has come,  
  
And time, time is not on your side.  
See him move through smoke and mirrors,  
  
Feel his presence in the crowd,  
  
Other girls they gather round him,  
  
If I had him I wouldn't let him out,  
GoldenEye, not lace or leather,  
  
Golden chains link him to the spot,  
  
GoldenEye, I'll show him forever,  
  
It'll take forever to see what I got,  
You'll never know how I watched you from the shadows as a child,  
  
You'll never how it feels to get so close and be denied,  
  
Its a golden honeytrap,  
  
I've got for you tonight,  
  
Revenge is a kiss,  
  
This time I won't miss,  
  
Now I've got you in my sights,  
With a GoldenEye,  
  
Golden, GoldenEye,  
  
With a GoldenEye,  
  
GoldenEye.  
"Er...Katie?"  
  
"Yes, dear Wallace?"  
  
"You didn't have to sing the whole friggin' song."  
  
"I know, but I like that song. It has the movie that stars...BORIS!!!" I said with a grin.  
  
"Yes, yes, yes, we know you like Boris. Now shut up," she said darkly, muttering under her breath. What was HER problem?  
  
"On this I have to agree with Emily," Legolas said dryly.  
  
"But...but...Leggy!! How could you say that? Boris is...awesome...and James Bond is...ugh...and...and...It's 700 GoldenEye...and...YOU EVIL BABY SNATCHER!!!" I said and "sobbed" into my hands, nearly resulting in falling off Obstinate Fool. He snorted and pawed the ground irritably. I was going to have to have a talk with him sooner or later...  
  
"It's Legolas."  
  
"You need a new name too."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because, I think the name Lorenzo would suit you better. Not really, but Lorenzo is a cool name anyway, so bear it proudly, squire!"  
  
"Just ignore the goat, Lorenzo dear, they all go away if you don't feed them," Emily said absently.  
  
"I'm not a goat!!" I said, highly affronted.  
  
"I believe you are."  
  
"Oh my God, I'm growing fur even as we speak!!"  
  
"I'm ever so sure."  
  
"My name is not Lorenzo!" Legolas said loudly, tearing us away from our argument.  
  
"Fine, it's...um...no, it's Lorenzo, trust me," I answered shortly. He glowered at me. God, he pouts too much.  
  
"Don't have a Prince tantrum, I never want to experience one of those..." I warned. He smacked the back of my head. Obstinate Fool started, but I pulled down on the reigns. It slowed him down a little until he calmed down.  
  
"Don't do that, he doesn't like it," Legolas said. I scowled at the Elf.  
  
"Then he'd better not bolt!"  
  
"He only does because he doesn't like you," the Elf pointed out.  
  
"Fine. I'll talk to him," I snapped, not caring that I was speaking of the horse like he was human. "Katie...have you lost any more brain cells lately?" Emily asked.  
  
"No, so be quiet. Emily is like a cigarette-she needs to be put out!" I cried. "That's gonna be my new motto. And so will 'You laugh at me because I'm weird-I laugh at you because you aren't.' And also, I think I like 'I'm misunderstood!' and 'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.' Oh wait! Then there's 'You say I'm insane like it's a bad thing.'"  
  
"Lord save us..."  
  
"And then I'll have other ones that goes 'Preps scare me,' 'Normal people are boring,' 'Power to the fish tanks!', 'I scare my family, I scare your family, I scare the President's family.' Oh I love my mottoes!!!" I said happily.  
  
"Katie...I told you not to get drunk..."  
  
"I'm not drunk! I'M NOT DRUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"We know you are," Legolas scoffed. "What do you take us for, fools?"  
  
"Actually...yes. Hey, Elf Boy, where are we going?" I asked suddenly and randomly.  
  
"COFFEE CAKE LAND!" Emily shouted.  
  
"Not exactly..."  
  
"Fine, you stupid Fool of a Greenleaf. I'm asking the Acorn or Doom. Or maybe even Eomer," I said irritably and urged Obstinate Fool ahead. Emily (who was walking-Aragorn kicked her off to talk to Theoden and Eomer privately.) chased after me.  
  
"Wait for me!!!" she screeched and I halted, waiting for her to scramble up Obstinate Fool's back. The horse snorted in annoyance at our sudden stop and he was happy when we started up again. Aragorn and Eomer both rode at the head of our company. Obstinate Fool finally made it up there (at his "leisurely" pace which I define as "insanely, brain-wrackingly slow.")  
  
"Oh Norman of Camelot? I have a problem," I said as we drew up beside them.  
  
"I could have figured that out without you telling me," he said in an amused tone. I scowled.  
  
"I resent that."  
  
"What did you want?"  
  
"Where are we off to now?" I demanded to know. He glanced at Theoden, who seemed to shake his head inwardly.  
  
"The Paths of the Dead," he answered shortly. Oooh...the Paths of the Dead...what fun! I suppose it will look like a haunted movie...Sounds like we'll have a ball!  
  
"And what just exactly is on the Paths of the Dead?" Emily asked suspiciously.  
  
"Why...dead people, dear Wallace!" I cried. "Rotting corpses, half eaten bodies, arms and heads hanging from the ceiling! And torture devices everywhere!"  
  
"No, do not say the name lightly!" Eomer warned. I threw my hands up in exasperation. What's with the 'do not use the name lightly' and 'do not say such things light' and crap like that? He's obsessed with it, I tell you!!  
  
"We can't take anything lightly around you! Everything have to be dark and evil and gloomy-and holy crap, Katie! Eomer doesn't have a name!"  
  
"What? What are you talking about? I thought we gave everyone names?" I said with horror in her gaze. The unthinkable! HE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME!!!  
  
"Eomer, My Fellow Ashtray, you shall now and forever be known as Prometheus, legendary ashtray of Happy Land!" she announced.  
  
"What is an ashtray?"  
  
"Something where you put ashes in. It's not rocket science you know- wait, you don't even know what rocket science is..." I trailed off.  
  
"Neither do you."  
  
"Shut up, Wallace."  
  
"LEGOLAS!!!!!!!! SHE'S BEING EVIL AGAIN!!!!" she yelled. Obstinate Fool reared and I wrapped my arms around his furry gray neck. The horse from the Underworld pranced about for a few minutes until Mr. I'm-An-Elf-So-All- Animals-Love-Me (also known as Legolas) came over and calmed him down.  
  
"You thank, Boy-Elf from Woodmirk!" I said breathlessly and sat up straight in the saddle. My bow jabbed against my back as I did so, causing me to grumble. Evil bow. I bet Legolas jinxed it!!  
  
"You're welcome," he said.  
  
"Hey, guess what, I know where we're going!!" I said loudly.  
  
"Where?" he asked. Aragorn's face took on one of annoyance.  
  
"The Paths of the Dead!"  
  
"I know," he answered, soundly not very happy about this arrangement.  
  
"Don't worry, if you're scared of the dark, we can light your head on fire and then you'll always have light," Emily said nonchalantly. Legolas's eyebrows shot up and he gave her one of those scary looks that I hated.  
  
"I suggest you not-" he started to say when Obstinate Fool rammed into his horse. His horse reared, caught as much by surprise as his rider was. The Elf fell from the horse in a very ungraceful manner that I never thought possible right into-yes-the mud. Before I could stop myself, I started laughing louder than heck. Aragorn, Emily, Eomer, and Theoden soon joined in.  
  
"You are the Mud King!" I crowed as he sat up, glaring up at me. "I honestly didn't put him up to it. By the way, Obstinate Fool rules."  
  
"KATIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Sorry! God..."  
  
"I regret ever taking you along..."  
  
"Correction, you had no choice but to take us along," Emily said smartly. He scowled and sent her a cold look. She only grinned back.  
  
"Come, Master Elf, get up!" Theoden said, still chuckling. His chuckling reminded me of Santa Clause's "Ho, ho, ho" for some odd reason.  
  
"Yeah, get off your lazy ass and join the mother ship," Emily said. He didn't reply, but somehow managed to clean most of the muck off and climb back onto his horse. He kept shooting us dark looks. Obstinate Fool apparently had no idea that he'd just caused a historic event (in my opinion, it was very historical) and was plodding along behind Aragorn. Emily seemed to have taken up permanent residence with me on the horse too. We continued along like that until I got tired of the silence.  
  
"On the road again...I just can't wait to get on the road again-" I started to sing.  
  
"KATIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
God, this ended entirely too soon!!! But oh well, time for RoTK!! We'll have so much fun...  
  
There were some questions a LONG time ago about what happen to Jack (dog) and Mo (guinea pig). I'm making a new story (prolly only one chappie) called the 'Unknown Yet Know Known Adventure that Jack the Dog and Moas the Guinea Pig Had When Emily Wasn't Looking.' That should clear up my forgetting of putting them in...  
  
Niffers: It's penguin bro if I say it is! And yes, do remember peaches have feelings too.  
  
Mellon: I tried that already. They rejected me. I wonder why. I mean, I have the most important discoveries after all. They think of BORING things like physics and chemicals...wait...chemicals are cool...you blow stuff up with chemicals...  
  
Dy: *gasp* YOU HORIBBLE MONSTER! I need the Elf!!! GIVE HIM BACK!!! He's here for-ah-inspiration!!  
  
Baru-chan: Okay, I'll tell him. And it;s not insane to read that stuff! Trust me...I would prefer to do that stuff than the boring things my World Culture teacher does...and yay, asthma! Well the dark side of the Grapes is better!!! See, I have a cooler light saber than yours...*whips out a...purple one. Hmm...but not just any purple on...this one has...FISHES IN IT!!*  
  
Dr. Evil: Ooo...LEGGY!! What are you doing? Have you been kidnapped again? Omg, Emily says that (the 'shake that bubble butt' thing)...It's weird when she says it...  
  
Elronds Bane: Nope, you're in denial. He's mine and you know it. And whatever, peaches are so mammals!!! How do YOU know they aren't? How do you know they don't breathe through special invisible openings? How do you know they don't have ways of communication? TELL ME THAT, WISE GUY!!  
  
Bjam: Yes, impure thoughts are VERY fun. And I really don't know why she doesn't understand...she needs help, doesn't she? And don't worry, there will be more of Obstinate Fool!  
  
CrimsonElf (and your friend Mallory): Awesome, I'm copyrighted...*points to the big copyright sign on her forehead* lol, just kidding...yeah...Ugh, I need sugar. Anyway, you're such a nice, giving person! Leggy and Elrohir and Elladan can all suffer together...And Insane Okies are awesome. I know a lot of them besides myself...  
  
Little-lost-one: why is everyone against you? I'm not against you...at least I wasn't the last time I checked...  
  
Songelf88: Evil and lovin' it! ^_^  
  
Cat: I know...my mom keeps saying "No more, Katie, till you take the others back"!! So annoying...You know what's fun? If you see an old person walking with an umbrella, you can yell "HEY CAN I HAVE YOUR UMBRELLA?" It's fun. 


End file.
